Quote: You ok Frank? Long time between posts for you, just checking in on ya.
Thanks GH and Amy.
Well, I have been having a difficult time trying to figure out how exactly to explain to the people on the board what is going on. The past 4 days W has been sleeping in 'our' bed with me, she goes to bed with me and gets up before the kids do so they don't see. This was her idea. No sex or cuddling, just sleeping. She's been flirty, then distant like she's afraid of something. Especially afraid of any sexual contact. However, I would say that since friday she has warmed up slowly.
And this is the reason.
On Thursday we had a 'couples' session with Counselor that was supposed to be just her, but she thought we should go together so we did. Once again providence was guiding us...
I can't really explain all that happened in the session, I don't think anyone here (except possibly Amy) could understand this. I know it's taken me a couple days just to get grounded again.
Counselor went through the 'reasons' why W doesn't feel like she can commit to marriage - 'till death do us part', that is her issue. W gave the usual 'what if Frank does this and what if frank does that?' and Counselor pointed out that your marriage vows DO come with conditions. You don't stay if your spouse beats you up, or is otherwise abusive. And problem drinking is abusive, so it can be considered a 'condition' of keeping a marriage. Your vows do not include 'being abused'.
While you are required by your vows to do the best you can to help someone it should not be at the expense of you or your families safety.
Ok, so that helps her to see that she can commit with this one condition that seems to be her biggest fear.
But, I've said many times that I was NEVER abusive, and that nobody I know thinks our life was 'that bad'. That she was over stating the situation. Even Counselor has come to believe that.
So, I brought up another time in our life when she 'left' me. Years ago after we had dated for about 2 years she was living with me then suddenly one day during a barbecue at our house she said she was leaving, had her bags packed and just left. She said she 'couldn't live like this' and left. I didn't see her again or talk to her for about 9 months. I had no idea why she left and she couldn't tell me.
As it turned out, she was afraid she was getting too close to me and that scared her. So she had been sleeping around behind my back. She felt incredibly guilty and left. So she went back to her high school behavior of just dating guys, sleeping with them a while then dumping them. It was her form of 'control' over men.
She eventually found her way back to me months later because, she said, I was the only person she had ever known who was stable and knew who he was and where he was going in life.
I don't want to get into the details of things here because it's too complex. But the basic situation is that W was severely sexually abused as a child and even though she had told me about it, she had never told me the extent of it.
While I was strong, she felt very safe. When I was weak she felt unsafe. It has affected her trust and safety issues and after I had my problems, she simply was unable to deal with life, never felt safe or other things like that. It was when she was then approached by the OM , who was an emotional predator, that she felt she was 'saved' and would be safe again. After he turned out to be even worse, she has withdrawn from relationships altogether.
But for all the wrong reasons.
Counselor went through a series of questions that helped W see that she felt very safe in our marriage, and IF something were to go wrong again like it did she was now in a position to assert herself and prevent it from happening.
But, there were a significant amount of issues going back to this childhood trauma that had been affecting our marriage for 15 years without us understanding it. Things I knew nothing about.
I ended up leaving the session so she could spend the time with C working on her own issues. She was pretty much a wreck and I think this was a real turning point for her. Now she can see that she wasn't 'unsafe' with me, she was 'unable to speak' when she needed to the most.
And that she hadn't dealt with these old issues even though she had therapy before, theyt weren't as good as our current Counselor is.
So, another hurdle to deal with. I guess I knew that I would have to pick myself up first, and then I'd have to help her get back up after that. A lot of work to do now. But I think we'll be all right eventually.
I'm leaving a lot out of this post because it's just too disturbing. I have so much rage at these people for hurting her and at her father and mother for not protecting her. We've been paying for their ignorance for 15 years.
The demons that live inside of us cause us so much hurt and many are there because OTHERS put them there. Right about now I want to go kick her fathers ass for not taking care of her when she was a lttle girl. He knows what happened but I don't think he lives with it. Not like she does.
LIke I said, in the beginning of all this my counselor said "However this turns out, it will be because of what YOU DO and not because of anything she does." I hope I'm doing the right things. Sometimes it's tough to know what that is. But, I do love her and I can see the beauty inside her soul.
Since friday we have been slowly getting closer. I think that was a defining point in our trust levels. We're going out on a 'date' tonite so we'll see how things go.
