I don't really like to just throw things up on the proverbial wall around here, but I will do it this time. Mind you, I am not totally sure I believe all this is the right thing to say, but it's what comes to me after reading the last several posts.
Frank, I have to say that there seems to be way too much "living for the sitch" and not enough plain living going on. I liked it when you said you were just going to do what you wanted and see what happened, no more second guessing, no more fear, no more constant analysis. I think what W may want is to see you BE this new, self satisfying (lol) Frank within the context of your fledgling relationship. I think it's possible that she sees all the changes in strategy and tactics as just that, strategy and tactic, not real, honest expression of feelings.
I know it's hard to contemplate being "honest" enough with your feelings with her because of your own fear of rejection or getting hurt again but maybe you have to take that risk, knowing that deep down, even deeper than your love for her, is your love for YOU and that will be your safety net should things go sour again.
I said awhile back that I thought the main purpose of DB was to get us to the point where we HAD decisions to make in terms of what to do in our relationships. I now know that DB is for life and it's principals can help maintain, as well as fix a marriage but I still feel that there comes a time when we need to commit ourselves to the real work of learning how to live our lives without ALWAYS analyzing what each little thing we, or our W's do.
I know this seems in opposition to Amy and some others here, but I think it's something to think about. The way I see it is that at this point either your W is going to really come back to the M or she is not. She has openly expressed her desire to "work" on things and for you to "be" with her but I think your daily decision making process is getting in the way of doing just that sometimes. I see you trying to be one way one day, and then the next thinking that it didn't work so it's time to try something else. I don't know if you're actually BEING that way, but you talk a lot about it here so I suspect that no matter whether you are intending to send mixed messages to W or not, you are.
In the end Frank, all the advice in the world can't replace your inner voice and your feel for the situation. I think that the universals of these situations start to diminish as we get to the reconciliation because it then becomes more about learning things about your W you didn't know before, continuing to examine the OLD M for things that could have been done better and using your intuition to guide you when the specific circumstances of your sitch don't mesh with the universals we deal a lot in around here. What I mean is that you know your W better than we do, no matter how much we think we know her because we only know what you tell us, which is filtered by your emotions so is sure to be tainted. You know the WHOLE story and the WHOLE woman so in the end, it's you who has the best chance to make the right decision.
You are a strong, passionate man who I feel will someday find a way to convey that passion to the people who want and need it the most. You ARE a new man, capable of being honest, loving AND protecting yourself.
Like I said, sometimes I think the process gets in the way of progress.
Breathe, live, express, love, smile, relax and enjoy.
