Quote: You know what I want to know? When SHE has to do something to build this passion and romance. Her wanting it from you is normal, natural and all that....but it is NOT fair for her to expect to just sit by the wayside waiting for the prince in the white horse that is within you to come by and sweep her off her feet. I can tell you right now that if she doesn't put forth some effort also, you are just spinning your wheels. It will never work because she will never feel what it is she wants to feel. She has to participate in order to feel anything.
I agree with you. Tonite I just went in my room after D10 went to bed and was reading. W walked by my room and didn't even poke her head in. I waited about 15 minutes and went downstairs thinking she'd be watching tv and want my company. All the lights were off and she was in her room. So I knocked on the door and went in and she was reading also. She said it looked like I was reading and so she decided to do the same.
I said "well I want to make sure you didn't get the impression I was blowing you off or something." and then she went into how that was 'controlling' and other stuff like that. I said "No, it's communicating my concerns that I may have been rude to you. We're supposed to communicate in a relationship." So she sort of smiles and says 'ok, but I really am reading this book (Memoirs of A Geisha) and it's got to a good part so let's stop communicating." I said that I could see she needed some down time since we were all together all day doing stuff around the yard. So I smiled, said ok, leaned down and kissed her on the lips (she weakly kissed back) and said goodnite and left the room.
Quote: A thought that went through my mind that may be something for you to ponder (but not necessarily the right thing to do) would be for you to just say the equivilant of what she's said before. That this would be so much easier with someone new and you aren't sure you want to put for all thsi effort when it is clear that she isn't putting for ANY effort.
Yeah, it crosses my mind too. She puts in a 'little' effort but is expecting to have this torrent of emotions show up, and they aren't. She usually doesn't act comfortable when I put my arms around her, but then sometimes she'll be very receptive. She responds to my compliments very well, especially when I complement her looks, which is something she feels very insecure about. I can always get a genuine smile from her then and she'll ask me well, what about whem I first get up in the morning? Or what about after I do gardening. And I'll tell her sincerely that I think she's always beautiful.
So, obviously I can talk her love language but the 'touching' one doesn't work because she won't let it. And kissing is very superficial.
And, she told her mom we are still 'separated'. No mention of 'trying'. In fact I suspect there is nobody but she and I and Counselor who are aware of the 'trying' going on. I believe she is 'willing' to do something to 'rekindle' the flame if it could be described to her WHAT actions to take. Then if it doesn't 'rekindle' she can say she tried and not feel guilty.
My biggest problem is me. I know I am acting a little like a hurt puppy because of the rejection I get. It's like "If you don't care and don't really WANT to love me then why are you here?" She sure seemed like it 2 weeks ago when she came to my room and asked me to try with her after I told her she could move out this summer and I wouldn't miss her - or be her 'best friend'.
Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I am putting out some energy or signals that I'm uncomfortable and unsure of myself. That sucks.
Realistically, 2 weeks ago she SAID she wanted to come out of the tunnel. But she really didn't come out. She poked her face out and that's it. She is not dedicated to making this work. She is WAITING for it to work.
Regarding telling her it would be easier to start with someone new... I'll talk to COunselor on tuesday about that idea. It seems like 'hardball' again. One thing Counselor said is play 'hard to get', make her have to pursue me and work on being 'attractive' that way. But what does that mean? It seems like there is a fine line between ignoring her and being distant. It seems to me that before I give her the 'you aren't making an effort' speech I should try to detach a little and see what she does. Perhaps if I just stop trying to hug or kiss her or be close in any way it will make her miss what she's been getting. Then if she asks me about it I'll tell her that the message she sends me is that she want's all these feelings to magically appear without her making any effort.
She seems to like being 'stay at home mom' because I haven't heard her talk 'panic' about her business not making any money, which it would have to if she was going to move out. Rememberm Counselor said she didn't believe W really wanted to work full time, that she'd rather live the life we had been living - minus the difficult parts between us. Part time massage worker, part time stay at home mom. No worries because I made sure we were ok even when I wasn't ok.
It seems like she is gettng into that role, just not the 'wife' role.
And, there is another possibilty. She just doesn't love me and isn't going to. Yeah, she's called me 'hon' or 'babe' often lately but that's the only 'signal' I get that she feels anything. Terms of endearment are not love. And she flirts sometimes. She's very moody.
I'm not feeling very good about this. This marriage is not being saved. It's all one sided. And it hurts.
