Well, today was a pretty unusual day. W was a little flirty on and off but the kids were always around so she kept some distance between us most of the time. I try to maintain an even keeled attitude but I also like to be part of the flirting and joking too.
Well, we went shopping for a water fountain to put in front of the house and she was appreciative of it, since I paid for it of course. She's been doing little things to make the house 'look nicer' and I think she is more comfortable being 'mom' and 'homemaker' sometimes. And she's feeling less inhibited when it comes to spending 'family' money on things for the house. She's also not in any panic about the fact that her business is barely making enough money to pay the weekly rent at the Salon.
We had D15's 'new' boyfriend over for dinner and at the table W and I exchanged many glances at each other. He was extremely dull and we give him maybe 3 weeks. She's been going through them about every 2-3 months. Isn't it great to be 15?
When we watched a DVD later, just she and I, she cuddled with me and asked me to brush her hair. It's kinda hard to do when she's laying on me but she likes it and it's one of her 'Love Languages' - touch. When she 'told' me to brush her hair I jokingly said 'you think you can just tell me what to do?" and she playfully said "Sure I can, I can make you do anything". Of course I gave her some ribbing about that, and that she has no control over me. It was funny and playful conversation.
So we sat and I brushed her hair. Well, after a bit she sat up and no longer cuddled. My sense was that she'd gotten what she wanted and was backing off a little. No problem. We watched the rest of the movie, occasionally making eye contact during a funny part.
Well, it's the nite before Easter and we always fill up plastic eggs with candy and hide them around the house for the kids to find. So we did that, and then it was almost midnite so we were ready for bed.
Before we went to bed W was standing in front of me and reminded me (pleasantly) that Easter is 'sort of' the anniversary of when we met. You see, many years ago I was part of a volunteer group in L.A. that did things for the inner city kids. It was really a bunch of Yuppies but in spite of their sillyness and 'socializing' I actually had fun with the kids we met. Well, we went to this school for kids who are poor and someone had to wear the Easter Bunny suit. Nobody would volunteer and I was new to the group and thought "Geeze, what a bunch of arrogant people" and I took the suit and put it on.
This cute girl came over to me while I was trying to tie the bowtie while in the suit, and big bunny hands were not working out. She tied it for me and helped me adjust the fit of the suit. I remember thinking that she was pretty cute and I had seen her at a meeting before but not really noticed her.
Anyway, I had a lot of fun being the Easter Bunny for these kids and I even have a picture of me in the suit with some of the kids and - you guessed it - my wife-to-be is in the group too.
It wasn't until another event a few weeks later that I actually talked to her while washing pots and pans - and learned we had a lot of common interests. I asked her out, and the rest is history. So that's our 'Easter' story.
She also reminded me that she had actually met me at a previous meeting where I was in charge of setting up the Easter event and she remembers thinking how 'obnoxious' I was, and cocky too. I said that was probably what she liked about me because I had a real personality. She made some more jokes about it and then said she was going to bed. I reached out and put my hands on her face and pulled her to me, kissing her. She sort of responded, but was pretty neutral.
So she went to go brush her teeth and go to bed, and I went to my room.
I see right now that the biggest obstacle I have is that I often feel very uncomfortable around her. I know that if I could truly drop all the barriers and protections of myself and really be me, be comfortable with her, that she would respond.
But, I'm just not confident. I realize that it's partly because I still think of her and OM which makes it hard for me to trust her again. And I'm still in the mode where I see her as 'leaving'. I know a lot of the anxiety is also from the fact that I am still working on getting out of the depression I was in. It's only been a little over 5 months. This is so hard though, I feel like I'm being 'auditioned' for the role of 'lover' and I'm not yet 'well enough' to play that role. My anxiety levels are all over the place and even though I have lots of Xanax it's still difficult for me to keep it in check.
I know that SHE isn't going to do anything to help ME. She's looking for that man she used to know to come back. I'm close, but I'm not fun very often. And there are times where I still come off as 'needy'.
And, she is looking for that 'passion' she wants from me.
I'm hoping that she's patient enough and I'm able to get past these fears. I think she does want this to work out because the family life we have is very comfortable and safe for her. Other than the 'flirting' she doesn't really act like she has feelings for me. Just a playmate for her.
We'll see. Easter's tomorrow and we usually have fun in the morning. Hopefully she and I will have some time together and she'll want to be closer.
