Well, W and I watched a movie she had actually watched last nite and wanted to see again so she could 'show me' a scene in it. The movie is called "Shall We Dance" with Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon and Jennifer Lopez.
Shall We Dance is about a married businessman who takes the train daily to work. One night, at one of the train stops, he sees a beautiful woman looking out the window of her dance studio. This went on for several trips on the train and each time the woman appeared to be sad. The business man became intrigued so he ends up taking dance lessons.
The businessman kept his lessons a secret to his wife and daughter who eventually noticed some changes in him -- he was happier. He was happier not because he was having an affair with the dance instructor (he isn't), but because he started to enjoy dancing and now his daily "business routine" is changed for the better. In the end, it brings more passion into his life and his wife and he have a better relationship because of this.
It was a pretty good movie. It's actually a remake of a 1995 Japanese film and most reviewers felt it wasn't as good. I liked it.
So during the movie (54 minutes into it exactly) W points out to me a specific scene that has some meaning to her. In the scene, Gere is trying to learn the Rumba with a woman student and the woman is very unhappy because he doesn't "get it".
Lopez walks up to them and she says to Gere in an annoyed tone: "The Rumba, is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish."
She then holds the woman dancer from behind and runs her had down her side and says very seriously "You have to hold her, like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living."
She spins the woman away from her, holding her by the hand and says: "Let her go, like your heart's being ripped from your chest."
She pulls her back to her and says: "Pull her back, like you're going to have your way with her, right here on the dance floor."
"And then finish, like she's ruined you for life." And the woman drops to the floor.
So. W says to me "That's what I've been trying to tell you I want. I couldn't explain it to you but when I watched this the other night I knew it was a way to show you what I need to feel with you. That's what is missing from my life."
Then she says "Can you do that with me? Because that's why I can't have sex. I need to feel that feeling with you."
Well. I am kind of stunned. I can see her point, this is what 'passion' is all about in a relationship. And I think she has realized that it can be created, not that it 'just happens'.
So, I tell her that I understand what she means, and that I'd like to feel that passion too, because that's what it means to be alive.
In the movie, Richard Gere's character wanted that in his life and didn't know how to create it. That's what he learned by the dance experience - but only because he met Jennifer Lopez, who was already living a passionate life.
So I'm sitting here for the past hour thinking to myself, "how DO you find that inside yourself?" I've been in my down state for so long I don't remember what it's like to feel that way. I know I DID a long time ago. I remember a time when I COULD make W feel that way. Where does it go? Have all of us here lost that part of ourselves? If we had kept it going all these years, would we not have a WAS to deal with?
I think that it's a part of what was lost from many of our marriages and our WAS left to go find it.
So I'm thinking to myself "That's all I have to do, rekindle the passionate side of myself and it'll be all better". But, I'm also thinking that I don't know how to do it. Talk about lost. Talk about being tested. And learning to be 'alive' again. So, add this to my list of challenges.
1) Survive W going to OM to find what's missing in her life. 2) Keep family together while also getting my own ass out of a 5 year depression while W is in La La land. 3) Pick up wifes broken life after OM turns out to be a user. 4) Help W financially so she can start her own business with the knowledge that she wants to be able to leave me. 5) Do the 'after the last resort' hardball and tell her to leave, causing her to do an unexpected 180 and decide to 'try' to make it work. 6) Now, be patient with her while she is waiting for ME to 'do something' that will open HER up to intimacy and a more passionate life that she want's to live. 7) Somehow get rid of the last of my hurt, my fears and build up confidence and create a passionate life with a wife who is waiting for ME to make this all happen by essentially seducing her.
And to think that just 6 months ago my life was simpler. I hated it, I hated me, I was depressed, withdrawn from the world and generally predictable. Who would have thought it would be where it is today?
So, I'm sitting here thinking "I can't do this. I don't know where those feelings are. Where they went to." And, I'm still living with the barrier between us. I can't just drop it that easily.
But, W has told me exactly what she needs to be in love with me again. It doesn't get any better than that, now does it? And I would LIKE my life and my relationship to be that way, more alive than it was. Who wouldn't?
The hard part of course, is getting there. I'm going to really have to work on this one. I hope it's the last thing that I need to do.
