Today I worked from home to help out W with kids since she had to work today and they are home with Spring Break this week. She was appreciative but I see it as something I would have had to do anyway when we are separated.
She offered me a massage today, first time in a few months. So I went to her office and got a very good massage of course. I was her last one for the day so I waited for her to get her stuff together to go home. She really seemed like she wanted me to give her space. So it was uncomfortable and awkward. I left. Met her at home and she told me she needed space because she did 4 massages in a row and needed a break. Ok, that's pretty normal.
A little later I could see she wasn't in the mood (energy wise) to make dinner so I offered to go out and get take-out. Made her smile. So off I go.
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Had a chat with Spitfire today about recent events. I think that W is sincere in her desire to 'try to see if it can work'. But, her fears are the blockage. She is so afraid 'we' will go back to the 'old ways' that she just won't let herself drop her guard or feel anything. There's nothing I can do to change this. It's really a symptom of her own self esteem issues. If she had more, she would KNOW that it could nver 'go back' because she would know that SHE would not let it.
One of the things she has never shown me is the desire to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make a relationship work. She would rather quit. But quitting didn't work out so far for her.
So, I don't know. Maybe she won't be able to recover the feelings we once had. One thing for sure, I need to continue to focus on myself and my goals.
As I told her last night, "I have alot of things I want to do with my life, and I'd rather do them with you, but no matter what I WILL do them. LIving the 'old life' isn't an option for me"
