Frank I read your last post and thought oh my gosh its beginning - the big change - the first step towards each other you just had a small future focussed discussion (albeit in the negative but future focussed)
Isn't Counselor supposed to help us, give us ideas?
Well Frank go grab a coffee or something because your 'on-oline' psychologist is going to share some ideas with you and it may be a little long
Maybe you can continue these discussions set aside time once per week w here you can go somewhere quiet together and just sit and talk - you agree to be honest about your feelings and fears
BUT you have to agree to NOT talk in the negative so anything that sounds like 'yes, but' what if, it might not, it won't, it can't because,
is not allowed in the conversation - if someone slips they have to reframe the question in the postive make it like a game (if you have to keep thinking and reframing in the positive it changes your cognition to a more positive thinking one)
Together you can practice Logical Disputing
many upsetting and negative emotions/feelings/thoughts are caused by unrealistic or irrational thinking, therefore you dispute them logically, you challenge the assumption that things must or must not be a certain way,
for example she should feel 'something, like passion, like a chill goes up her spine when I touch her why do I think this - I realise that this type of feeling only occurs in the very first weeks/months of a relationship do I think this because this is how the media and romance novels and movies portray life - when in the beginning of this relationship I used to feel this what other emotions and feelings went along with this - feelings of insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, unrealistic thoughts of wanting to spend 100% of my time with this other person? this type of feeling happens in the honeymoon phase of a relationship - how many of my friends/acquaintances constantly report that they have these types of feelings daily for the other person in their relationship -
this is just an example off the top of my head but I hope you can see what I mean you can also both have 'thought journals' you can either share them or just share part of them write down in the journal thoughts write down the situation you are in when the thought occurs - what are the beliefs of this thought then write down what the thinking errors are for example shoulds, awfulising, black and white thinking, overgeneralising, personalising, filtering, jumping to negative conculusions, mind reading, blaming, labelling, predicting catastrophe, comparing
have a secion for dispute (an alternative more balanced view - think what would I tell a friend who was in this situation? then come up with some positive actions that you can do in this regard
an example
situation/feelings I am going away for a few days with my wife and the kids I feel nervous as we have been talking about seperating for a long time now
thought she will probably not have a good time - she will think I am trying to do anything to win her back - she will see that things between us are not good and this will increase her resolve to leave
belief I will fail she will think badly of me - I will be uncomfortable, she will see me as being self-conscious or desperate when I should be fun to be around - having a holiday is about having fun and non of us will have a good time - I am responsible for making sure she has a good time with me
thinking errors predicting catastrophe, mind reading, shoulds
dispute I prefer to be relaxed and comfortable and have a good time but if I don't its not the end of the world, I wouldn't feel badly of someone in my position who may be a little uncomfortable I don't think my wife would think badly of me if I were to be a little uncomfortable What kind of a holiday my wife has is within her control and she would not be coming if she thought it was going to be all bad therefore she must also think this is a good idea
Positive actions I will focus my thoughts and energies on myself and interacting with the children - I will make sure that I will give the kids a great time away - if I do this focus on the children and having fun with them that will take away the anxiety I am feeling about my wife being with us
The other thing you can do is write some challenges down on cardboard and put it in you wallet (kinda like flash cards)
>this is inconvenient, but its not a disaster >he/she has the right to accept or reject my advise >hassles are a normal prat of life >everybody has the right to be wrong
understand that awfulising and catastrophising is a natural human tendendency - we all exaggerate the negative consequeces of situations - as a result we experience the situation as if it were truly catastrophic (even though in most cases it is only undesirable or unpleasant) if you think about it by exaggerating the badness we can make ourslevles intensely anxious, frustrated, depressed etc
also if we expect bad things to happen then they will and if they happen but not exactly as we expected we focus on the parts that didn't work for example she thinks that you will slowly go back to your old life - well if she acts like you will her behaviour will ensure that you do if you believe she will find someone else when things get tough and each time things get tough you act like she has someone else - your behaviour will ensure she will think about going getting someone else
she says you may go back - what proof is there of that? challenge the illogical thinking discuss why you would want to go back to who you were list reasons why you wouldn't where you happier then or are you happier with who you are now? What evidence is there that supports this statement of you will go back what evidence is there that contradicts this perception Is this a thinking error? how else can I perceive this situation?
you can also try Goal-Directed thinking so does thinking the way I do help me to feel good or to achieve my goals does thinking Frank will go back to the way he was before help me in having a healthy relationship with him? does it make me feel good?
does staying either angry or untrusting with him help us to be happy together and to have a good relationship?
the problem with this type of thinking is that it makes your wife feel bad and worried and is ruining any chance she may have of happiness (particularly as if she doesn't change how she thinks she will take this habit with her into any relationship she has in the future)
so instead she has to change by focussing on the self-defeating nature of her thoughts and say does thinking the way I am help me to feel good or to achieve my goals?
and think instead I wish to make this relationship with Frank work, I want to be happy with Frank bu feeling this way is ruining my chances of making this work, I can choose to continue to think and feel this way or I can let go of these feelings by accepting that things have changed and that they are likely to continue to change
and finally
the miracle question
should you and your wife go to sleep tonight and a miracle happens - a miracle that changes you world and lives to exactly what you want BUT since you were both sleeping you have no idea that this miracle happened - how would you know it happened? what would you both be doing? How would you both be relating to each other? what sort of clues would there be in your/her behaviours that this miracle happened? how would the children know this miracle happened? how would your friends know this miracle happened? how would your neighbours know this miracle happened?
if you answered for example you would wake up and your wife would smile and say what would you like for breakfast? and then what are we doing today? you need to think in-depth about your behaviour in relation to this and then you act that way (sound a little like acting as if? it should because that is what it is) so you think that you would get up and walk into the kitchen and smile broadly and say good morning XX did you sleep well, what a great day what will we do today? I am sure you get the picture of this one but you need to paint the picture in detail and fill in all the bits how will you be feeling what will you be wearing how will you walk how will you talk will you smile at everyone will you be bursting with plans and ideas for this sunny day
I am sure that you are both at the stage where you can work together on this and discuss it weekly together as I said previously have a journal each learn to challenge the negative it does take a little time but eventually you will both change how you cognitively see the world and each other
you will focus on more on the good the what works for each of you
you are both in a situation where neither of you can actually go back to how it was anyway - you have both changed and over the past few months you are no longer the same people either of you were you just have to keep working on the positive thinking focus on the future - the future you want not the what if's not the what if this doesn't work
and then when you get this working and positive and future focussed allow each other to be human and realise that as humans sometimes we slip but with tools such as positive thinking and support from a positive thinking partner we catch ourselves quickly
I hope that I have given you something that will be useful to you both
Quote: She said, how do we get past this trust issue? Isn't Counselor supposed to help us, give us ideas?
she wants to work this out Frank she just wants someone with ideas to show her how she can make it work
the trust issues that will be about both of you and your abilities to be honest and to communicate your feelings and for the other person to accept these feelings of distrust but if you are both prepared to work on this well you have just taken your first steps to working it out
I hope that I have been able to give you some concrete ideas on how to continue on this path
