Wednesday nite. Tonite W and I were sitting together and I asked her how she was 'feeling' about us.
The short answer is that she thinks that she should feel 'something, like passion, like a chill goes up her spine when I touch her' and it isn't there.
I said that we both have trust issues and she agreed. She says she understands how I couldn't easily trust her 'after what she has done'. And she's afraid that once we 'get back together' then I'll slowly go back to the 'old life', and she'll have hurt the kids by putting them and her back in that life. As she put it, doing the same thing with the same people will probably create the same results. And that causes her to not trust me or the changes in me.
I validated and pointed out that it's been almost 6 months since I started my work and that she's also changed but she isn't worried about how long she sees me changed, it's that once we DID get back together that would be the catalyst for me to 'go back'. She just thinks it would be easier to start over, with someone new, and no history.
But, she is still here. She wants to see 'something' happen but it isn't happening for her. Me either. There is a lot of hurt we have both inflicted on each other. I told her that 2 weeks ago I made a conscious decision not go give up on 'us'. I think she believes that I had given up then so it had some meaning that I decided not to.
I thanked her for 'being here'.
She said, how do we get past this trust issue? Isn't Counselor supposed to help us, give us ideas? She hasn't so far. So we're looking for ideas on our own. She does agree this will take time and she's not out the door yet.
After our conversation, we were going to bed and she stopped and hugged me and kissed me. If we could stay in that space more often I think we'd make progress. Perhaps it was the honesty and sharing our feelings that helped build some trust and intimacy tonite.
So, it was a good 'check in' to see where she is at.
