wow, thank GH and Gwyn for your very insightful posts. I need to digest them and reply.
I just got back from our mini vacation in the mountains. Since we live in southern california we have to go to the mountains to play in the snow. We went to the giant Sequoia forest in Kings Canyon and there was lots of snow and fun. We went snowshoeing and made some snowmen. And of course saw some of the giant sequoias.
W was sometimes acting like she felt awkward around us and a few times accidentally called me 'hon' and 'sweetie' within earshot of the kids. Oops.
We went sledding and had snowball fights and had lot's of fun. W and I almost had more fun that the kids at the sledding hills. In fact, there was zero negativity coming from me on this trip. We haven't had as much fun in a long while.
At one point while we were all out in the woods snowshoeing I asked W if she was having a good time. She said "Are you worried I'm not having a good time?" Now, that might have been something that was true in the past - I felt like I had to keep her 'happy'. Not true now though. So I said to her "Whether or not you are having a good time is not in the list of things I worry about. I was just curious".
I also paused and said "You still look at me through the 'old Frank' glasses and see me that way".
But she's still uncomfortable and behaves awkwardly. She kept a good distance between us most of the time, but then a couple times came over to me and leaned on me or something that was 'touching' me. Also she talked about how we should come back in the summer so we can see stuff that was snowed in. So I don't know if she was 'just talking' for the kids sake or what. If she were to go forward with D or Separation we would NOT be doing things like this together. I would take the kids without her.
I had a sense that D15 was picking up on something going on with W and I that wasn't "divorce like" but she didn't say anything. I read her pretty good and I can't help but think she is wondering what is going on now. Perhaps she'll ask W.
We got home late tonite and after W and I unloaded the car we each got ready for bed. No hugs goodnite from her or anything like that. Just 'good nite' and she went to her room.
I suppose she is 'trying out' being 'mom' and 'wife' to see how she likes it. Each thing we do is a test to see if it will 'be the same'. It won't. The negatives in our past life are gone.
Either way, we had a lot of fun and made some great memories even if 'mom' and 'dad' weren't acting married. And I proved to myself that I could go on a trip with the kids, listen to them whine like they do, and not get angry but instead be understanding. A completely different experience and it was genuine, not 'act as if'.
W has to be thinking about how much fun we had and I even made a point to mention how happy I was to see the girls getting along on vacation and not complaining too much. W agreed that it was great.
So, I get '10 points' in the 'Frank has changed' bank and I feel good about this trip. There were several times when I could have dealt with issues 'the old way' and I didn't.
Don't know what W is waiting for but the 'Frank Train' is in the station waiting for riders to board. She's either really afraid or really doesn't love me any more. I'll keep being patient. I see a little glimpse of her now and then. It would be easier if she would try more. Oh Well.
