Well it's Saturday. This morning W and I got online and looked to see where we wanted to go for our 'snow days'. We found a nice place in the Sierras where the giant Sequoias are. They have a lot of snow and it's cold there right now.
We had a pleasant time figuring it all out together. Sat next to each other and were close. At one point she is standing behind me as I'm sitting and she starts to play with my hair. She pulls on it a little and tells me how she likes to have her hair tugged a little when I'm rubbing it for her. She's been telling me these little tidbits from time to time about what she 'likes'.
We went up to my room to look through the closet for our various snow pants and other snow stuff. But before we did that she plopped onto my bed and lay there while I sat in a chair and we talked about what we might need for this trip. She seemed rather comfortable in my space.
Then we had the kids try stuff on so we could determine what we have and what we might need to buy.
She found some old flannel jacket she made for me years ago - before she really knew how to sew - and we had a few laughs when I put it on and you could see it was way to big for me. I think at the time she made it I told her I loved it. Now she's looking at it critically and saying 'this never fit you, it's huge'. We both thought that was funny.
We packed what we found and then a few minutes later she comes into the room and decides to sort this other pile of clothes that has been sitting in the room for MONTHS. She intended on selling at a garage sale or giving away I guess but since she doesn't come in the room, it, like a lot of messes she left when she 'moved out' has just stayed there.
But first she sees my 'wizard' hat by my computer desk and puts it on. So she sits on the floor sorting stuff and having D10 try things on to make sure they don't fit before we give them away. Wearing my wizard hat. She looked very cute.
It's hard to just 'stay away' from her when she's looking like that. I just want to grab her and love her to death right then. But, I can't.
A little later we're talking about D15 who she says has 'broken up' with her boyfrined because some other boy has shown interest in her. W says that "I guess this is a good time for her to try out different men instead of when she's older and she can't" which I took as a reference to NOW and W's dilemma - stay married and in a family or go 'explore relationships'. I of course said "She's not dating men, these are boys and she's only 15. You were a little like that when you were 15". She agreed but said that she was 'much worse' which built her shame towards her sexuality.
It's really interesting to see how 'comfortable' she gets, planning the family stuff and being around me while we do it. Rememebring old things we've done in the past that were fun (what? I thought our whole life sucked?). A few times I've patted her bottom or put my hands on her waist and she hasn't protested at all. We ALMOST get close but then she stops.
What I don't understand is, with all that comfortableness, how can she keep her distance from me? How is it she could be that way six weeks ago, and now, when it's supposed to be 'trying' she is more distant?
Realistically, I think she IS afraid she's missing something. She feels 'attractive' now and thinks that she is getting more attention from men because of this. she doesn't want to be 'stuck' in the boring, mundane life of the married mom. I almost feel that if someone asks her out she'd be gone in a heartbeat. It just hasn't happened yet.
But, she is excited about this trip and being in 'the family' does make her happy. I know she's going to be testing me for the 3 days of the trip, but I'm not concerned because I know we'll have fun.
A little while ago she packed up and went to her friends that she goes to once a month to do a bunch of massages for her frined, her friends mom, dad, dads friend. The last time she went, about 6 weeks ago, was after we had our week of 'intimacy'. She left by giving me a kiss then, had told me that I should 'initiate' more stuff with her and things seemed to be progressing. She came back the next day totally shut off and had been since till a week ago when I told her to move out and she changed her whole attitude again, said she wanted to 'try'.
So, this time she left and came to me and said 'give me a hug' and we hugged, while she reminded me of some things I need to do to get ready for the trip. No kiss though. Of course now I'm wondering what new attitude will she have after being away 24 hours and with her single friend who has no relationship experience and would rather see her not with me. It's almost like Deja Vu all over again.
Hey, maybe she will actually miss me! It could happen.
