Quote: Well, Frank, she just might come through this after all. If she didn't have YOU for a husband I wouldn't give it much hope but your perseverance is what I think is going to see you guys reconciled in every sense of the word.
Thanks for the compliment. There were a few times in the past 5 months where I really felt like it was hopeless. She has been pretty out there, and my emotional state was already at 'less than zero' when this whole thing started. Now my emotional self is at about 80% and I know I am in my power again. It's funny for me to remember on bomb day when I talked to my counselor she told me then, as she keeps telling me now that "Whatever happens with you and W will be BECAUSE of what YOU DO". How true that is.
Quote: Thank you for being here and not giving in.
I wouldn't have done either if it wasn't for the support of people like yourself. Thank You.
Quote: Even I was beginning to think you were beating a dead horse.
So was I. I was close to giving up on her in favor of just taking care of me. Now I believe I can influence the outcome better.
I've said this before, W is going through a very difficult growth and change in her life, truly discovering who she really is as a whole person. Even though Counselor said this from Day 1, I still had to become a whole person again before I could even deal with her issues.
Two battlefronts at the same time.
W was a little warmer tonite. Both kids were at friends house this evening so she called me at the office and asked me to take her out to dinner.
We went to a nice restaurant and had a nice dinner together. It was a little awkward to talk about anything as we didn't really do this for a while. But we talked about life, her dad and some other stuff. At one time she referred to her dad as in "You probably didn't think you'd have to deal with your wifes father that way" or something like that. It was nice to hear her say 'wife'. All in all a really fun time together.
One thing was interesting. She ordered a drink and then asked me if I would feel 'awkward' if she drank and I wasn't drinking anything. I told her that I wouldn't be bothered at all. With the help of my counselor, I see alcohol as sort of something I'm 'allergic to'. I told her that it hasn't really been a positive influence in my life so I really have no desire to drink.
So she looked at me and asked me 'do you really think you will never drink ever again in your life?' and I said 'yes, I do.' It just doesn't interest me and it won't do anything but prevent me from reaching my goals.
She said "It's hard for me to believe that. It's only been a short while that you quit." I told her "It's been 5 months, and I don't need any kind of support group or clinic or anything. I made my choice and you know how stubborn I am. Ask me the same question a year from now."
I think she has a hard time believing me. Sometimes I do too. But I am what I am, and the vast majority of people in the world don't drink, and don't care to. So why do I need this in my life?
It's an easy choice now.
Later we went home and cuddled together watching tv for a couple hours.
Finally went to bed around 11 and when I was standing in the Kitchen as she was getting some water, as she went to walk by me I 'got out of the way' since I didn't want to be blocking her and she paused, stepped towards me, and kissed me on the lips. It was a little more than a 'peck' but not a 'serious' kiss. I think I could have milked ot for more but I chose to back it off so as not to seem like I was 'desperate' for it.
And here I am now, writing this post.
We're planning on going up to the mountains next week with the kids for 3 days, part of spring break. The kids want to go 'see the snow' and 8 days ago we were cancelling the trip because she was 'moving out' and I didn't want to be around her any more.
This is a rollercoaster ride for sure, and I don't know if tomorrow she'llbe cold again. Or if going to her girlfriends tomorrow nite and staying over will cause her to come home with another emotionaly disconnect like it did last time. We will see.
I keep thinking how close I came to quitting over the past few months. But I know that even without the support of others I couldn't quit for very long. It just isn't in my nature. I can absorb a LOT of hurt and still keep going.
