Quote: She just seems to be colder to me since I pulled back.
Ummm ... not to me. It seems to me that you haven't really pulled back very much. Asking her about a hickey is not acting "as if" -- it's a challenging and pressuring question. And why were you texting her about the pics and about where she is today? The number 1 rule of DB'ing is to STOP PURSUING. Stop contacting her about stuff unless you absolutely have to talk to her about finances or the kids. What's off is that she feels uncomfortable around the pressure you're putting on her to come back. DO NOT demand a sit-down discussion and DO NOT tell her she can talk to you (which will be perceived as needy no matter how you say it) ... leave her alone!
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
The hickie question was out of line and maybe a bit pressuring. But I sent her the text to find out when she would be picking the kids up...nothing more. I really don't call her, or text her often...but when I do she never responds. Normally it's a text if I need something...I figured that was less in your face than a phone call.
As for telling her she can talk to me...I just want her to know that I'm her friend.
I won't be asking for a sit down, at this point I think that's a bit over the top.
In general, to expand on what RB said, resist the urge to "know what's going on" with your W all the time. Your need to know this means you are too focused on her and what your changes may or may not be doing to her. At the time when you feel that urge to "know" creep into your thoughts, STOP and go a different direction.
Whatever IS happening with her is at least different, if not good and it is probably best left alone until SHE decides to share it with you.
Keep up the GAL and doing for you and leave her stuff up to her. You can't manage her feelings for her so allow her to be upset, happy, whatever and not have it be about you.
Like RB said, you do need to really pull back and just let things be for a bit.
Quote: I just want her to know that I'm her friend.
That kinda goes without saying, but what you really want her to know is that you are her husband who is emotionally capable of NOT hearing what's wrong and still being there for her, and capable of hearing emotionally hard things and still maintaining his own emotional balance, independent of hers. In short, you want her to know you will listen to her, validate her, and then be able to carry on without feeling burdened by her emotional baggage. The way you communicate this is simply by doing it, not by telling her. As RB said, telling her is needy, doing it without out her knowing you are "trying" is a sign of strength.
She came and went. I asked her if she got the pics I sent her told her that I thought she'd want to see my brother's new baby...she said she got them and that the figured I thought she wanted to see them.
She is still very visibly upset, but I didn't bring it up or try to get her to talk about it. She is working alot...that's got a bit to do with it. And for what ever reason she thinks I never want the kids. I told her that next week I have reserves thursday to sunday and she just said it figures.
She asked about how long she could drive with her gas lite on(she won't pump her own gas)....so she could get back to the only full serve station in the area. I told her she probably wouldn't make it and that I'd get her gas if she wanted. So I let her take my truck to work...I'm getting her gas and then dropping her car off.
My SD9 has a Bday coming up. I haven't really written about her at all. Since the split I've seen her maybe twice. My wife has said that she's not my D anymore. That hurt. But anyway she has a Bday coming and my W said she is trying to work enough to be able to pay for it. I told her that I had thought about it and if she wanted it, I'd have money for her. She said of course I'd want it, and I just said that I wasn't sure whether she'd want my help or not.
That was pretty much it, then she took off.
Oh...I don't think she ever got the text I sent yesterday. I checked my phone and it doesn't show a "recieved" time...so I don't think she ever got it.
I am so upset that she has brought this guy she is dating around our kids. They like him which I guess is okay but I still think it is inappropriate. They are constantly saying things about him and each time it is like a dagger in my heart. It just feeds images of her moving on with life as usual just someone else playing the role of me. This process is so painful...with no gaurantee of a successful reconciliation. I know the process is for ones self but things like hearing about the OM make it so much harder. I've tried to make it like he doesn't even exist but then the kids say something about him and my blood boils. I haven't let it escalate to where I can't control it in quite a while....I think I finally have that down. Right now I just want to scream. I guess it's good I have IC in a couple hours.
Quote: I guess it's good I have IC in a couple hours.
I know I am probably going to regret saying this, but I think some things are just too powerful to "as if" your way through them, detachment, DB, whatever aside.
If my kids were talking up OM, I KNOW I would lose it so don't beat yourself up. Feel, go somewhere alone and vent, come here and post, whatever and then try best you can to get back on track. There is really not much you can do about this right now other than to decide to process and "handle" it on your own, and with your C. Please, lean on your C in this matter, I think they may be able to help.
The thing about this OM is that she doesn't give a clear picture of what their R is. She says that they are "dating". She says that they haven't had sex. But then when I make an asumption about it she says it's not what you think. What the he!! am I suposed to think it is when she says they are dating. I've told her that it seems she just replaced me. It really is hard to just blow it off, I want to act out so much. She can't undersatnd why I get mad. Here I am living in my parents house and she and this guy are having backyard picnics, wtching MY big screen tv, probably sleeping in my bed, all at my house. And she can't figure out why I get mad sometimes. Im actually haven't been to the house in weeks cause I don't want to find any triggers for my anger.
It just seems really hopeless that I can win her back with him "living my life"
As i type this I'm having a huge adrrenaline rush.
I actually did tell her yesterday that she shouldn't have brought him around the kids incase it doesn't work out and he is ripped from their lives. She said she'll cross that bridge when she gets to it.
Quote: As i type this I'm having a huge adrrenaline rush.
Is that good or bad?
Quote: The thing about this OM is that she doesn't give a clear picture of what their R is. She says that they are "dating". She says that they haven't had sex. But then when I make an asumption about it she says it's not what you think.
My W said the same thing. It may or may not be true but you have to try not to dwell on it.
Quote: And she can't figure out why I get mad sometimes. Im actually haven't been to the house in weeks cause I don't want to find any triggers for my anger.
She's in her own world right now and THINKs she can manage your emotions by massaging you and telling you what she thinks you want to hear, true or untrue. Try to pay her little attention. I know that is hard as hell, but you eventually will have to do it anyway, why not start now.
Quote: It just seems really hopeless that I can win her back with him "living my life"
I get this. I think you just need to swallow hard and realize that YOU are the one with the history, good, bad and otherwise with your W and you DO have redeeming qualities, with more added each day (lol). You ARE worth her attention and no matter what he does or says, he is NOT you. That is a GOOD thing because she married YOU, the man she loved and the man YOU truly are. Just start being him and try to put this other stuff aside.
I know, it's hard, but you have little choice right now, or at least one that is as likely to give you happiness.
The adrenaline rush is definately bad. It makes me feel out of control...like I want to smash something. It is exactly how I felt when I went over the line and broke my hand. I really don't want another episode like that so I just sit and wait for it to pass....that is not easy.
I know that I have a few advantages in the sitch...8 years together...marriage....kids...history, the problem is she doesn't see any of that now.
Sitting here posting does help, it's good to hear from people who have similar problems and not alway hear the "I wouldn't pay for the house" or "I wouldn't let her do that"...........
