During our brief convo earlier W asked why our cell phone bill is so high(like $450). Told her I didn't know, maybe we went over our minutes. So I went online and checked the bill...she went over our shared minutes by 700 herself, that combined with mine make sit a total of around 1200 over our planned minutes, no wonder it's so high. I couldn't help but notice one number that continued to pop up, I'm certain I know who's it is and I don't want to fight about it with her so I'm just going to let it ride and get over it. But it is killing me, I want to rage so bad...but I won't.
Another note...I told her that I had some appointments today my IC and thenn I'm swearing into the USAFR. She seemed a bit annoyed by the fact that I'm getting back in. We had some problems in the past regarding this issue. She asked if I was sure I wanted to do it and I told her no but that at this point it's a good idea for me. Why would she be bothered by this if she is really done with the relationship? She has constantly said she is done but every once in while I pick up a small vibe that says if she did see sustained change in me that we could work things out. So if she is done why would she care whether I went back in or not?
Guy, you keep asking things like "Why does she do xxx, or say yyy if she's really done?" Well, it's because she isn't really done. They never are if they're still talking to you, still live in the same state, etc. Even THEN, it's never really over. That's the point of DB, to understand that what your W is going through is likely temporary and in order for her to "see the light" you have to actually turn them on for her.
Stop being constantly surprised when she seems interested in what you're doing. You act like you actually BELIEVE the stuff she's been saying to you. Remember the most often repeated of the DB/MLC/WAS ideals...believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.
You KNOW it's not "over" at least until you actually D, and even at that point, it's not REALLY over until you let it be. I'm not suggesting you become a stalker or something but you just need to understand that these things take time, and YES, if you were to maintain these changes and do it for YOU so that she didn't feel like HER status in your life could affect the core man you've become, then she COULD decide to take another run at the marriage. So long as she sees you as doing all this "for her" she may not trust you enough to try again. That's why it's SO important to be doing this for YOU and not her.
As for the reenlisting bit, that's up to you, and not her right now. I think you are right to think that way and if it's what you want to do, go for it. If she has a problem with it, she can talk to you. Otherwise, she'll just have to miss you those weekends and weeks...lol.
I do realize that it's not really over until I give up. I know that what she is going through is temporary. the way I like to see it is that the way I acted before gives her no choice but to move on without me. I need to make sure the changes are permanent in oreder for her to have a choice. If she still choses to move on then at least I made the changes I needed to for myself.
I find it easier and less destructive to post questions like those hear rather than asking her. I fully believe that however my sitch turns out it will be for the best.
Not really alot has happened in my sitch which may be a good thing since in the past all I had to report was when I took steps backwards. We haven't had any R talks in almost 2 weeks. The only thing is I am having many thoughts today about what she is doing and who she is with, I seem to have it under control though and I think I've finally turned a corner here.
On the plus side for me I am officially back in the USAFR...which should be a sign to her that I'm moving ahead in my life with or without her.
W just picked up the kids to take them to a B-day party. There was no R talk or even a hint of one. I just packed the kids up in her car and she was on her way. She looked visibly ill and said that her stomach was turning, I just told her that I hoped she felt better and to ahve fun at the Bday party. She then asked if I was going to have fun and I asked her to repeat it caue I didn't really hear her, she said I mean do you ahve plans. I told her yeah I have a few things to do and she went on her way. My sitch seems really uneventful for the past ten days or so. Some days that is so frustrating...just waiting for her to bring up the R...at the same time knowing that it may be a while and I must stay patient and continue to focus on my own personal goals.
Does anyon else wish they ahd the remote from Adam Sandlers new movie Click I so want that remote just to speed through these days where nothing seems to happen.
W has what appears to be a hickie on her neck. She says it is from wrestling with the kids. I don't know about that but I just dropped it. Minutes later she asked what difference would it make. I just asked "you can't figure out why it would make a difference to me?' I said "you are going to do what you want, I can't stop you. But it will still upset me." I guess this just shows physical proof of something I've been trying to convince myself isn't happening.
We then went on to disagree with the weekend "schedule". There is no real schedule, we just take the kids as needed for her/my plans or if one of us has to work. Usually it's no big deal. Apparantly friday she has plans but I told her I can't take them because I have to help someone. She is all mad because I never want to take the kids(not true), I purposely keep her from doing things(not true). I don't know what to make of her lately. If anything I've been very accomadating lately, I let her set the times and I've actually had them an extra day here and there. She is clearly stressed out from work, I wish I could help with that....more than just backing off and giving her space.
Now in the past I would take all of this, get all worked up and call her to try to work it out. I would come up with a great list of reasons why we should be together and try to convince her of it. Not this time. I'm going to wait and see what happens from here. This is so difficult, I hate DBing.
I really need a supportive response here. I know we are supposed to believe nothing we hear and only half of what we see. My W is so seemingly set on the idea that our R is over. I am having a hard time today believeing that anything I do would change her mind.
I almost just want to ask her if she wants a divorce. But at the same time I don't want to force her hand. This whole process is so confusing and feels wrong.
I haven't had any backslides for two weeks, but she hasn't really chnaged. I know that 2 weeks isn't long but it feels like an eternity to me.
Todays discussion came about because she first asked why it feels tense. i told her maybe it was a bit awckward but not tense. I kinda think she was mad about something before she even got here and she was jsut kinda acting out at me. Feeling very helpless today.
First of all, I am sorry your are in a difficult time. It can be really hard and I totally understand that but...
If you hate DBing, then it won't work. I know you were venting but I have to believe that there is something to this. You have to LOVE DBing to have it truly work for you in my opinion. You have to WANT to be better and love the fact that DB helps you do that.
I think what you hate is that you can't clearly see progress in terms of her and that's what you value most of all. I think if you stop putting your eggs in her basket, she can't break them.
As for all you've been "doing" for her lately, well, I think that is still you trying to "fix" everything for her and even if your heart is in the right place, it may backfire. Sure, she is stressed at work, but aren't we all? You can't "help" her with that.
BTW, the hickey is not proof of anything, any more than my sighting a UFO is proof of ET. You suspect something and are looking to either prove or disprove it. It brings be back to your "hating DB". I think you hate the unknown. I think you hate not knowing what to do, what she's doing, whether you're going to D or not, whether you're going to cry or not, etc. I know that hate, I know it well, but I also know that it will consume you if you let it.
Learn to accept a certain amount of ambiguity in your life. Learn that life is by it's very nature, unpredictable and then stop trying to predict it. Once you do that, you may hate DBing less.
You are right, I don't really hate dbing. I hate the situaition I've created and I hate feeling helpless. I do hate not knowing what she is doing. It's not really I need to know what she is doing, it's the thought of what she could be doing.
I am just frustrated right now, I see no end in site and that scares me. I know that I can live without her I just don't want to. Thank you for your response GH.
Right now it's taking everything I have not to call her and "talk this out". It's almost time to go to work so that should at least occupy my time, probably not my mind but it will keep me busy.
I'm not really sure what to make of things right now. For the longest time my wife has been pushing for quick exchanges with the kids, no talks about R, and no talks about anything really but the kids. I did alot of thinking about today's exchange while I was at work and something just seems off. I know that me asking what was on her neck upset her, I know that telling her I can't take the kids friday upset her. She also gave me money to pay the cell phone bill and I told her it wasn't enough...that upset her a bit. But it felt like she was upset before all that. She initially said "why does this feel tense?" and I told her it was just an awckward situation but not tense. Then she said she is fine with the situation.
We exchanged a few comments about our weekends, I told her that I had gone to my brother's in-laws house for memorial day. She wondered why. I told her that my brother left but I stayed for a while with a mutual friend who is also married into the family. Before i explained why I stayed she asked if I was dating someone in his in-laws family.
fast forward to her late reaction to the hickie question. She said "what difference would it make? I am dating someone else, you are dating someone else. So what's the difference." (left a bit of that out before) I told her that I wasn't dating anyone. She said I told her myself that I was dating (I Told her I went out a with a girl a couple times...I mentioned this a few pages back) When all was said and doen she left upset. I think I did a good job of controlling myself and don't think I acted angry.
So a couple hours after she left I sent her a textasking where she was working today (some days she works in one school, some days it's a different one) so that I could tell my parents when she would pick up the kids. I also asked if she had gotten some pics I emailed to her(my brothers new baby). She never responded. that got me thinking..she hasn't responded to a text or called me in weeks. Basically it's been since I stopped the pressure and pulled back. So now I'm wondering what is up with her? Something seems off.
I want to ask her if something is wrong. Would this be a bad idea? She just seems to be colder to me since I pulled back. I think I'm going to ask her to have a sit down discussion thursday night.
Or even better...maybe I'll just tell her it seems like something is bothering her and that if she wants to talk she can talk to me about anything.
