Yesterdya went okay I didn't slide back, and I think it actually had an effect on her cause I woke up this morning to a text from her. Just real short "Are U up"....but it tells me that for whtaever reason she wanted to talk. When I left her yesterday she was kinda bummed out...siad it was about work but I wonder if she's beginning to reflect on the situation.
Today will be a challenge. I hav to go pick the kids up, and she sent me a text asking me not to "trip out" but her friend may be there when I get there. Not real sure what that's about, I almost think she's testing me. This will be the hardest part of the week. I'm going to try to just grab he kids and go. I'll post later about how it turns out.
Picking up the kids went without incident so I'm still on track I think.
Okay here's the story on the 5:30 text message. She said that she had a nightmare about everything going on in her life right now and wanted to talk. I'm not sure if her friend was there at the time or not but either way she had this nightmare and tried to get ahold of me as the person to make her feel better. Is there a possibility I'm just wishfull thinking here or is it a good sign that I'm the one she wanted to talk to? When she told me that she had had a nightmare I asked if she was okay and she said she is now, I went on to say that if you want to talk about it give me a call and she said okay. Did I handle that correctly?
I dont post much, but I had a thought reading through your thread and thought I'd share. My sitch is old, and basically resolved, but my H and I have been where you and your W are 6 years ago. We actually D'd and reconciled, but didnt get the counseling we needed to keep it together so here we are 6 years later.
Anyway... there is a key thing to detaching, GAL, and drawing your W back that you might be missing. And I believe if you look at the articles, there's a man who describes winning his W back by being her best friend. That's exactly what my H did when we D'd. You mentioned treating her like a princess.. and then in a later post you said that the strategy does not appear to be working. My comment to that is - she has to be your princess in your heart, no matter what she does, and it can't be a strategy just to win her back. This takes you healing and getting to a place where you love yourself enough to think of her as the icing on the cake of your life, instead of her being your life. This is very hard! At first, but over time it's easier. The key is to get through the withdrawal without pursuing or driving you and her crazy with the hurt and pain of separation.
After that's been accomplished and you are more content alone and not feeling addicted to her, you can set out to be her friend.. truly her friend. Offering to discuss her nightmare was great.. that's exactly what a friend would do. You didnt push, but you offered and she knows you're there for her because you want to be. That's important for her to know. That you love her no matter what. That she's your princess no matter what. That you're her friend no matter what. I think that's one of the reasons we're supposed to ignore the OP. They arent the issue, your relationship/friendship is the issue. If you can make that friendship a great one, whether you'll be together or not, then she might decide to try again in the future. If not, then it's good for the kids.. and what have you lost that you wouldnt have lost to begin with?
Ignore OP presence in her life (he's a bandaid!).. treat her like a princess because you feel that way for her and it will shine through. Don't just do it to "show" her how you've changed.. do it as an honest show of love and affection for all the things you love about her. If it's just a technique, she'll know, if it's sincere, she'll see that. I mean.. what greater show of love than a friend who's there for you even when you've rocked their world?
One other thing. If you come face to face with OM, be kind to him. Greet him nicely, shake his hand and be a gentleman. I'm serious about this My XH did this when I dated after the D and my BF was rude as hell. It showed me clearly who the better man between the two was. I've always respected my XH that he held his head up and decided not to pout or cause a scene.
Piglet, thankyou so much for your advice. The withdrawal part is really the hardest part for me. It's funny that you mention an addiction because this is exactly what I imagine drug addicts or smokers go through when they try to quit. Everyday does seem better than the last but it is still so painful. I wake up everyday hoping it's the day when she'll open up to me for a change and we can finally start putting all of this behind us. Thank you again for your advice.
Well I dropped the kids off after having them over night and to my dissappointment, her "friend" was there again. I can't help but feel like that is a complete slap in the face. It's like she's throwing this "friendship" in my face now and doesn't care how I react to it. Luckily for me I didn't take the bait and I just got in my truck and drove away. But my emotions are running crazy now. She is supposed to call me later so I hope I can say the words my head tells me to and not the ones my heart wants me to. Going to be a long rest of the day.
Quote: It's like she's throwing this "friendship" in my face now and doesn't care how I react to it.
On the contrary, I think she's trying to get a reaction from you. Remember this:
Quote: The W actually told me that she's making herself look nice, hair done, nails done, the works just so that I know what I've lost.
Your W is trying to hurt you right now to get a little revenge for the pain she feels that you've inflicted on her. The good news is that you can defuse a lot of that by validating her feelings when you get the opportunity and by just being kind no matter what. It's really not much fun getting revenge on someone who's being gentle and kind to you.
Also, don't let her see that she's successful in hurting you, if you can help it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well toady din't start well at all. She called me at about 6:45 and we anded up talking for about 3 hours , towrd the end it was less of a talk and more of a fight. We started out talking about the kids (S5 D3), they are constantly asking me questions about the situation but supposedly never ask her anything. Couldn't keep the conversation only about the kids. She again insisted that we won't be together and that she doesn't want to be with me. I snapped said some things I probably shouldn't have and said "fine we'll just do whatever makes XXXX happy"
I though I did well the last couple days but now here I am again at square one. I have some much respect for those of you who make it past this. I've got to regroup and star over again I guess.
Quote: I though I did well the last couple days but now here I am again at square one. I have some much respect for those of you who make it past this. I've got to regroup and star over again I guess.
Everyone here has slipped up many times. Don't sweat it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Part of making it past certain parts of this is understanding what you have to make it past. You now know that you need to be able to talk to your W without starting or being drawn into a fight with her. You need to learn how and when to walk away before you start saying things you will regret later.
One of the most helpful things to understand is that just because SHE starts saying those things does not mean YOU have to. A great thing to remember is that you want to get your marriage back, NOT be right all the time. So, when she starts in on you about this, that, or the other thing, simply say "I understand you feel xxxx xx x xxx xxx but I don't agree. I would love to talk to you more about it some other time when we are both more calm." Validate, then get out before it turns into an emotion driven conversation, at least from your side.
Look, as RB said, we all slip up, and most of the time it's because we are faced with something that we don't quite recognize, or address as a trigger. For me, today, it's the evidence I have been thinking about in my sitch and also dealing with the fact that I need to do something in my sitch that I have not done in months, initiate a R talk and TRY to have it go well rather than degrade into a fight...and I have been doing this a lot longer than you.
I still struggle daily. Until this is TRULY over and I am back in a 100% committed relationship with my W, I will struggle with this. We all will.
Don't worry, you WILL have other chances. Like OT just said to me, everything in this process does not hinge upon the last 72 hours.
well I saw her as we exchanged the kids so she could go to work. It went okay, no fight, alittle discussion but no fight. She was visibly upset, alot because she has to go to work and everyone there has turned on her for some reason. So she says she just wants everyone to quit "Sh!tting" on her. She feels that between work and me she can't handle things. I've told her I'm trying to help her. I know my actions aren't showing that and I've told her that I'm acting out of desperation. I really do want to help her so much, she is in a very miserable point in her life and I want to make that better. I just want to be able to hold her and take all her pain away. I wish I was able to just pull back and let her do what she needs to do, but my gut instinct is to try to show her that I'd be the H that she deserves.
My XH did this when I dated after the D and my BF was rude as hell. It showed me clearly who the better man between the two was. I've always respected my XH that he held his head up and decided not to pout or cause a scene.