Quote: Right now we are as far apart as we've ever been.
That doesn't HAVE to be such a bad thing. I have seen, having read tons of posts here in the last 5 months, that sometimes when there is separation like this, it actually makes it easier to do some of the harder DB techniques like detachment. I know that doesn't make sense or really help that much right now but it's true.
Quote: ...Says that he's friends with her female best friend as well and basically them and a few others are just a close group of friends.
Whatever. She is either having a full-blown PA or she is not. Whatever the case, YOUR marriage is not working right now and the only thing you can do about it is accept what the facts are and then turn your full attention to pulling yourself together and working on YOUR personal issues. The IC should help that too.
Quote: I'm at the point where I can't sleep, can't eat cant'd do much of anything without thinking about her.
Been there. I know it sucks but it's not forever. I think where you are is the most difficult phase in this. It's hard to see the path, or really even know it exists but I assure you there is one. It takes different lengths of time for each person to understand it but when you do, you'll begin to help yourself. Sorry if that is a little metaphysical. I just mean that there IS going to be a time where you DO know what to do next and you are not ruled by your emotions. Part of that will occur naturally as time passes but a lot of it will be a conscious choice by you to improve your own situation. Only you can decide when you will make that choice.
Quote: I've tried detaching but it doesn't take well because we see each other almost every day. I've arranged for my parents to have the kids after school the rest of the week so that I don't have to see her.
From this, I get that you may be misunderstanding detachment. Detachment is NOT distancing yourself from her, or isolating yourself. Detachment is about the self control to not let her "stuff" affect you one way or another. Loving detachment means that you CAN see her but you get to a point where she can do or say whatever and it doesn't affect you because you are aware of your own reactions and are in control of them. It is VERY hard to do and most of us only succeed partially. I would just say that maybe you are not ready to detach yet. Your idea of not seeing her until you can be more under control seems to be a decent one. Once you are calmed down, then maybe take the baby steps towards detaching, like picking one thing that normally sets you off and really trying to make sure you DON'T react in your normal way.
Quote: I know I really need to give her her space but I get so anxious when I haven't talked to her. My stomach turns. Is there a secret to getting past this point? Am I the only one who's actually felt this overwhelmed/helpless.
OMG NO! We've ALL felt like this. If you go back to my first threads, I posted all the same feelings. We all did at some point or another, and still do on occasion. You are NOT alone in feeling like that.
You DO need to give her the space she's asking for. Without honoring his request, you cannot hope to be successful in much else in your sitch. Please, if nothing else right now, do this.
As far as a secret to getting past this point, there are two, and they are not really secret. The first one is time. The second one is choice. Either enough time will pass, and just like the grieving process, you will move on to the next stage of the "DB" process, or you will make a conscious decision that you will take the necessary steps to take responsibility for your happiness away from your W (who should never have had it in the first place) and put that responsibility back where it belongs, on YOU. When either or both of those things happen, I think you will begin to feel better.
Quote: I guess to some up where I am right now is out in the middle of nowhere completely lost without my compass.
Again, I think if you do a search of the site, you will find this phrase echoed many times throughout the threads. You are NOT lost because we can see you and you can reach out to us. You DO have a compass but you are either not able to read it or you are choosing not to, and that will not be a permanent situation.
Please, have faith in yourself and understand that it CAN be done. Look at deejay. He went through it all, same as you, and he made it through to a better place.
Good luck, post often and we'll be thinking of you.
