It's been nearly two months since I moved out now, and I'm basically in the same place I was before so I'm going to change strategy a little. In the past I neglected little things. I always had ideas of little things to do that would let her know how I feel but I rarely went through with any of it. I would never send flowers or anything like that so now in an effort to do a 180 I am completely turning that around. I had flowers sent to the house yetserday and she says that made her feel like "big sh!t" when she answered the door for the delivery. I also bought her a new jewelry box today. When i handed it to her I said "your gonna need this" I wrapped it up in Cinderella paper and put a nice bow on it. The paper was symbolic with the whole princess theme. I told her that someone is going to be treated like a princess and I hoped it would be her. She asked if I borrowed the wrapping paper or bought it special for her, when I said I bought it for her she seemed somewhat pleased. I'm not sure if overwhelming her with gifts will show her that i have a new attitude but it is much different than I've acted in the past. Any thoughts?
On another note, the apartment where I live is above my brothers garage and because of this I've been able to get a different perspective on his marriage. By doing this and seeing him in action it has been made perfectly clear to me that I didn't put nearly the effort into my marriage that I could have or should have. Hopefully I will be able to make up for that.
I certainly understand your dilemma. If you go for while without doing the little things, they become transformed into annoyances when you get around to finally doing them. This fact is especially the case after your W has indicated that your M is in crisis and that you don't do the little things anymore. After that, they all seem contrived and the W doesn't believe that they are valid expressions of love.
Unfortunately, I am paying a very big price for not paying attention to my W's desire for more little tokens of love. Since she has moved out and is with the OM, there isn't much I can do now.
this isn't going well at all. The change of strategy didn't work. Today we ahda talk and she insisted that she doesn't want to work things out. Told her we need to figure out how to resolve the situation then. Should I put off the splitting up of the property talk? I am so afraid that it's over. Really don't know what to do.
Can you catch us up on exactly where thing stand right now? It would help so I could offer more specific help.
Anyway, who started the R talk? Just wondering.
This may sound harsh, but it IS over, assuming by IT you mean your old M. The problem is that you are still wrapped up in the R and what may or may not be. When you truly get to the point where you are DBing well and detaching, you will understand that fear of losing your M is misplaced because what you are afraid of losing is already gone.
You W will have to choose to return to you and the best thing you can do to help that happen is to be who you want to be and do it for you. If I sound like a broken record, I am sorry.
This other guy has been spending considerable time at the house...even over night. She still insists that he's only a friend. THough the other day she did say that they may be in the beginning stages of a relationship...whatever that means. Claims nothings happened and that they've never had a discussion about their relationship. Says that he's friends with her female best friend as well and basically them and a few others are just a close group of friends.
Probably none of that matters. I'm at the point where I can't sleep, can't eat cant'd do much of anything without thinking about her. I've tried detaching but it doesn't take well because we see each other almost every day. I've arranged for my parents to have the kids after school the rest of the week so that I don't have to see her. I know I really need to give her her space but I get so anxiuos when I haven't talked to her. My stomach turns. Is there a secret to getting past this point? Am I the only one who's actully felt this overwhelmed/helpless.
I have IC tommorrow..starting to think I am very depressed and am going to see if he can prescribe me something to help. I guess to some up where I am right now is out in the middle of nowhere completely lost without my compass.
Quote: Right now we are as far apart as we've ever been.
That doesn't HAVE to be such a bad thing. I have seen, having read tons of posts here in the last 5 months, that sometimes when there is separation like this, it actually makes it easier to do some of the harder DB techniques like detachment. I know that doesn't make sense or really help that much right now but it's true.
Quote: ...Says that he's friends with her female best friend as well and basically them and a few others are just a close group of friends.
Whatever. She is either having a full-blown PA or she is not. Whatever the case, YOUR marriage is not working right now and the only thing you can do about it is accept what the facts are and then turn your full attention to pulling yourself together and working on YOUR personal issues. The IC should help that too.
Quote: I'm at the point where I can't sleep, can't eat cant'd do much of anything without thinking about her.
Been there. I know it sucks but it's not forever. I think where you are is the most difficult phase in this. It's hard to see the path, or really even know it exists but I assure you there is one. It takes different lengths of time for each person to understand it but when you do, you'll begin to help yourself. Sorry if that is a little metaphysical. I just mean that there IS going to be a time where you DO know what to do next and you are not ruled by your emotions. Part of that will occur naturally as time passes but a lot of it will be a conscious choice by you to improve your own situation. Only you can decide when you will make that choice.
Quote: I've tried detaching but it doesn't take well because we see each other almost every day. I've arranged for my parents to have the kids after school the rest of the week so that I don't have to see her.
From this, I get that you may be misunderstanding detachment. Detachment is NOT distancing yourself from her, or isolating yourself. Detachment is about the self control to not let her "stuff" affect you one way or another. Loving detachment means that you CAN see her but you get to a point where she can do or say whatever and it doesn't affect you because you are aware of your own reactions and are in control of them. It is VERY hard to do and most of us only succeed partially. I would just say that maybe you are not ready to detach yet. Your idea of not seeing her until you can be more under control seems to be a decent one. Once you are calmed down, then maybe take the baby steps towards detaching, like picking one thing that normally sets you off and really trying to make sure you DON'T react in your normal way.
Quote: I know I really need to give her her space but I get so anxious when I haven't talked to her. My stomach turns. Is there a secret to getting past this point? Am I the only one who's actually felt this overwhelmed/helpless.
OMG NO! We've ALL felt like this. If you go back to my first threads, I posted all the same feelings. We all did at some point or another, and still do on occasion. You are NOT alone in feeling like that.
You DO need to give her the space she's asking for. Without honoring his request, you cannot hope to be successful in much else in your sitch. Please, if nothing else right now, do this.
As far as a secret to getting past this point, there are two, and they are not really secret. The first one is time. The second one is choice. Either enough time will pass, and just like the grieving process, you will move on to the next stage of the "DB" process, or you will make a conscious decision that you will take the necessary steps to take responsibility for your happiness away from your W (who should never have had it in the first place) and put that responsibility back where it belongs, on YOU. When either or both of those things happen, I think you will begin to feel better.
Quote: I guess to some up where I am right now is out in the middle of nowhere completely lost without my compass.
Again, I think if you do a search of the site, you will find this phrase echoed many times throughout the threads. You are NOT lost because we can see you and you can reach out to us. You DO have a compass but you are either not able to read it or you are choosing not to, and that will not be a permanent situation.
Please, have faith in yourself and understand that it CAN be done. Look at deejay. He went through it all, same as you, and he made it through to a better place.
Good luck, post often and we'll be thinking of you.
just got back from IC. He thought it may help him to help me if she would call him or go for a visit to give her version of how I act, that way it's not just my opinion. Also thought that for the time being maybe some type of medication would help me. I was really overwhelmed before I went there today, couldn't stop thinking about my W. But afterwards I felt much better. The doc and I kind agreed that I just nee to take it minute by minut...then hour by hour..then day by day and so on. He also says in time it will get better.
On thing I do know is that this really is my last chance to save this marriage. She has no interest at this point. So any more setbacks and that's it. I have to do the right thing now. I have to be able to get my emotions under control and I have to stop worrying about her...in order to save my own sanity.
As far as whether she is or is not having a full blown PA...I don't know. Probably is and is trying to protect more feelings or something. Either way it doesn't matter I have to stop dwelling on it. I know all of this...now if I can only do what I know I have to.
A few things that give me hope, maybe a second or third opinion would help. But she always says that she has no interset in working things out NOW. That seems to leave it open a little to me, maybe I'm wrong. Also jokingly the other day I we were talking about sex and I asked if she thought we'd ever do it again and she said "I'm sure there will be times, a girl can't take care of it herself all the time. So I'm sure there will be times." This also leaves it open to me, also tells me if she is willing to have sex with me "at times" that whatever is going on with her "friend" isn't a committed R. Maybe she's just waiting for me to change, maybe she's just testing the waters. I don't know.
But I know what I have to do, and I know what I can't do any more of.
Today was the first day that I felt like I have really started to DB. I feel pretty good right now.
I had mentioned that I arranged for my parents to take the kids after school for the rest of the week so that I could avoid my wife and try to withdraw from her a bit. Well I changed my mind and went and got the kids. Last night I decided this is it...now or never. So I got the kids figuring I'd begin to let her see my changes. By the way I watch the kids at my parents...kinda nuetral ground...for now.
So she was on her way to pick the kids up and called me to let me know that she had to stop of at the store and then would be right there. I told her okay no problem just as long as I am back to XXXX by 8:00. She said you will be and we said good bye. When she got there I kinda hurried the kids together and tried to push the situation along, normally I would kinda try to hold her up so I could talk. She noticed this right away and said something to the affect of "wow, it must be really important if your're pushing us out of here this fast." I simply told her I have to be somewhere at 8:00 (truth is I'm a shameless Survivor nut and idn't want to miss the beginning). As she left she smiled waved and said have fun.
Another bright spot in our very brief exchange...today I got braces (one of my self improvements). I showed them to her and she joked a bit but then said she thinks they are cute, she flirted a bit and I left.
I know these are only baby steps and don't mean alot at this point but it'll get me through the night. The real challenge for me is not backsliding from here. Typically I would take this small positive and run with it...this time I'm going to sit back, wait, and then build on it.
I woke up today feeling kinda different about my place in the world. The butterflies are still there, but it's different. I feel excited to see my W today because now I know that I can see her without blowing up or falling apart. I am looking forward to seeing how much I can make her head spin with my changes. A little at a time and just sit back and watch her reaction. I know right now she insists that it's over but in my heart I don't believe that. My point is I think today's going to be a good day.
Good. Just make sure that you approach the day positively but WITHOUT expectations about her reaction to you. Just BE positive and believe in your ability to stay that way would any validation from her.
