I think it's important for you to realize that it SEEMS like you bear the brunt of the bad part in this M, and also that you may just feel that way but whether it's the truth or just in your head, it's no matter for what I am getting at. I am not saying that to make you feel bad. I feel the same way about my issues. I actually think that's a good thing because in this, or any other sitch involving another human being, we can only control ourselves, and well, if we are largely to blame for the problems in our marriage, then fixing our problems could go a LONG way in fixing our marriage. Compare that to a situation where the WAW was also the one most responsible for the problems in the M (as if you can put a % on it). In that case, YOUR changes may not have as much effect on the overall situation unless she decides to change as well. I think the people that come here and have the most trouble with DB and really any other method of marriage saving is that they harbor so much resentment and blame towards their WAS that they can't understand why they need to do any work at all. After all, it was the WAS that cheated, why do I need to do anything at all, they say.
So, what I am saying is DON'T beat yourself up (or cabinets for that matter). Use what seems like a huge negative to your advantage. Work on your issues, which I assume you want to change no matter what happens in your M, right? I mean who really wants to go through life angry and tyrannical all the time?
The other POSSIBLE good news, as I see it, is that since you were such an a$$ for so long (your words, not mine, lol) and your W stuck by you, then she may really love you enough to see you through these REAL changes you are making FOR YOU.
On the other hand, in the interest of being honest, it could be that she has self-esteem issues that prevented her from walking away back then and she's finally gotten up the nerve to do it now. Again, in a way, that's a good thing because it represents courage and self-confidence for her, traits that will serve you both well in a new marriage filled with mutual respect and REAL loving behavior.
I think you are on the right track by identifying your problems and focusing on them. MAKE THE C appointment!!! It will HELP 100%. I never believed in therapy, and had never seen a therapist for ANYTHING before my first IC after the bombs fell. It has been truly a life changing experience, if only to be encouraged to open up and in turn, learn how it feels to do that so when the time comes to do it with your W, you can.
Quote: W has a new male friend who she insists is only her friend. She seems to very open about when they spend time together. I am deathly afraid that it is or could become more than friends. I want to believe her but am so unsure of it that I am physically ill because of it. Could she just be testing me? Should I just try to ignore it and take it for she says it is?
I know you are afraid, and with reason. The fact is that your W is going to do what she's going to do. The best you can hope for is to influence her decisions by your ACTIONS. So far, your influence has been largely negative. Turn that around. Make those little interactions you have around the kids 100% positive.
DON'T focus on this new relationship. Even if it is what you think, what good does it do you to know about it or get all worked up? Will that help you get her back or EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUSTIFIED to some extent, wouldn't that be more of the same ole behavior from you?
It's SO hard to set aside age old behaviors for new ones that seem to be facilitating the very thing we hate the most, the affair, but in doing so, we are POWERFULLY demonstrating that in the face of overwhelming negative stimuli, we can retain control of ourselves and show a loving side that is brand new to our W's. It really worked wonders for me so far, and I believe if done right, and in the right situation (which yours seems to be) it can pay off big.
Bottom line is that she will only come back if SHE wants to, not because you get so upset she'll have no choice. She now knows she has a choice to make. Help her make that choice YOU!
