Here's a brief history on my situation. We've been together about 8 years...married all but six months of that. We have three kids, two together and our oldest was about 18 months when we met. I have been a complete A@@ the whole time we've been together. I treated her like crap from almost day one, yet she stuck around. I had a one nite stand before we got married but she never found out until we were married for maybe two years. She says she would have never married me had she known, I can't say i blame her. Since then I have heard constant rumors about her doing things behind my back, and I have turned into a miserable tyrant. Most of the time these rumors are from less than credible sources but I keep dwelling on them. In July, I checked her phone and found what I thought was proof that she was cheating...she's always been able to explain these things yet I keep looking for "proof". Anyway on this night I woke her out of a dead sleep by kicking the bed and basically dragging her out of bed. We immediatly seperated, I moved into my parents. She is now scared to death of me. However, I moved back in, But things still weren't right so about 4 weeks ago I moved out again. Then the other day I finally hit rock bottom when I went over there and we fought, I got mad...punched a cabinet...broke my hand.
Now I'm afraid that she has interest in someone else. She says no, but I can't shake the feeling. It physically makes me sick to think about it. I've already started changing myself. I've tried to become more outgoing and less intrusive upon her. I've started reading DB and it has opened my eyes quite a bit. My major problems are patience and the fear that she will move on while I'm changing myself. Any thoughts or suggestions?
First of all you need to chill out. In my state what you did the other night could of got you thrown in jail no questions asked. You have to be very careful when comes to Domestic Violence, I am a police officer and have seen normally very good people do something out of character which inturn gets them arrested. You obviously care and that's why you are here on this website fighting for your marriage, an arrest will make your situation so much more difficult. Have you tried counselling. Trust me it works. The first thing about DB'ing is that you need to work on yourself as it seems you have been trying to do. What I would do first and foremost is make sure these outburst of anger stop immediately. It's hard enough to work on a marriage in duress, adding the fear of violence simply is not going to help matters...
Thank you for your response. I am very ashamed that I have allowed myself to act this way. I know that I have a huge struggle ahead of me and last weeks episode only made it worse. I have taken counseling...wasn't hapypy with the direction she(the shrink) wanted to go. i have contacted someone else I just haven't pulled the trigger and made the appointment. I love my W more than I ever thought I could. I just hope it's not to late to win her back.
My problem is trying to avoid contact with her. I know to feel safe that she needs me to keep a safe distance, it just rips my heart out to stay away. I gave her all the house keys in an attempt to make her feel safer. I wish there were more activ things I could do. I created this problem but feel helpless to fix it.
Quote: I am very ashamed that I have allowed myself to act this way. I know that I have a huge struggle ahead of me and last weeks episode only made it worse
Yes you did make it worse, But don't dwell on that. It over, and as Donlee said you need to chill out. Listen, this is probably going to take some time, Your M did not break overnight so it is not going to be fixed overnight.
You need to get help for yourself, do some serious soul searching and begin to make the changes in you that need to happen. Don't expect 2 weeks of doing the right thing is going to fix years of damage.
Quote: I wish there were more activ things I could do. I created this problem but feel helpless to fix it.
there is alot you can do, 1. give her space, don't press her, no more angry outburst, no threats, no spying. 2. you need to work on yourself to make a lasting change in you, for you. Don't try and tell your W about your changes. Show her when you have the chance. The proof is in your actions. 3. you are going to have to understand this may take some time. A good rule of thumb around here is 1 month of change is needed for every year of M.
Come her often and post, get IC, read as many books as possible.
Well today was not a good day, Can't keep my mind off of my W. I went to my cousins wedding and all it did is end up bringing back a lot of memories about my own marriage. Theere is such an emptiness and helpless feeling with all of this. I commend all of you who have been at this awhile and made progress. I haven't called her, but it's killing me not to.
Okay, I know I'm in for a long fight here. But when do I take the next step? When is it okay to ask her for a "date"? I know I need to give ehr space but how will I know when/if she is ready for more? Patience is clearly not one of my strong poimts, and has been a problem for our marriage. Should I just let her bring up the R talks? Should I just let her initiate all contact? We do have kids, I have them everyday after school so I do see the W everyday....which makes this all the more difficult for me. It is so hard to see her and not tell her what is on my mind. I just want to scream.
W has a new male friend who she insists is only her friend. She seems to very open about when they spend time together. I am deathly afraid that it is or could become more than friends. I want to blieve her but am so unsure of it that I am physically ill because of it. Could she just be testing me? Should I just try to ignore it and take it for she says it is?
It seems to me that much of your marriage has been a battle -- a struggle between you and your W. It's entirely possible that your W, knowing exactly how to push your buttons, is doing so right here hoping to "get you" and make you explode with jealousy.
Disappoint her. Let her know that you are going to let her live her own life and will not try to control her in any way. Then, do it.
Keep focusing on how you can improve yourself and stop worrying about her.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
