Checking in, not checking out!

[PArob]

Ok, it’s been forever since I posted and I guess mainly its simply because there have been no new or recent noteworthy developments of interest. Like many others here, I feel that things have sort of entered a limbo land where the only thing that I can be sure of is that nothing is clear. Looking back over the past six months (sheesh, its been that long), there has been so much pain, rejection, etc., and while things have more or less stabilized, I wonder to what extent that pain has caused some major relationship damage on my part. While I don’t verbalize a lot of what I am feeling to my W (simply because it really doesn’t matter), I continually wonder if there will be a day when things can ever become better. In terms of better, I mean relationship-wise. Relatively speaking, things are better today than they were 5 months ago, but its as though we’ve reached a stalemate in terms of building the relationship.

There are so many things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Chief among them is to what extent my W will ever get over her feelings for OM, especially since they still have daily contact with each other at work. As far as I know, there isn’t any contact outside of work, but who knows. I could drive myself crazy trying to figure this one out, as I’ve done in the past, but honestly, what’s the point. The fact is, they will always have that time at work and those feelings will keep re-surfacing regardless of what I’m doing. For so many reasons, I keep thinking that the only way to get any type of closure on this issue is to deploy some sort of drastic measures (although I must confess, I don’t think I’m prepared for that, just yet), because it seems to me that will be the only way to break the stalemate we are currently in.

I guess it’s the stalemate that’s driving me insane. It seems as though we’ve reached a certain level in our R at this point where we can actually co-exist, but underneath the surface there are still so many things that need to be addressed, but there is no incentive on her part to even begin to address them. She has acknowledged that things are pretty messed up, but yet she takes no action to correct them. After a while, I get pretty fed up with just existing in a relationship rather than fostering a loving, healthy relationship. The point is, that only matters to me right now. Not her.

So, that’s it in a nutshell. I live day by day, she continues to live day by day. We live under the same roof, we take care of our girls and we both work. It really is a case of SSDD, day in and day out.

Sorry for the rant, and honestly, while these are a lot of my inner thoughts, I don’t let them get me down on a consistent basis. For what its worth, I have been more upbeat lately and have been able to focus on more than just the R and my W. Perhaps another read of DR is in order just so I can refocus my efforts.