W31, OM20, part II

[deezee]

RB - I think maybe Mamabear is right -I've read a lot of your posts, and it looks like you're going through hell, but I'm not so sure you don't care about her anymore......

[RBinBR]

RB, are you sure that you don't really want your wife?

I don't want her the way she is. I am quite sure of that. I'm not willing to take her back without serious change, and I'm not optimistic that those changes will occur, even if OM is out of the picture.

dig deep in your heart (under the protective armour) for the love you once had for your wife

Oh, there's still some love in there, of course. Sure, there was bitterness about (for me internally, anyway) the end of my marriage and the realization that the person I thought I married was someone else. Part of me feels that the person I loved never really existed. But that wave of bitterness has largely passed.

I'm not going to focus on the love that's left, however, as my motivation to DB. No, my new motivation is coming from the desire to challenge myself. I'm in the process of developing a new self-improvement list. I'm going to make sure that I find ways to improve myself intellectually, spiritually, physically, environmentally (house, clothes, etc.), relationally, and financially. This will incorporate a number of internal and external changes. I'm really going to challenge myself to become the man that I can be, and I'm sure that W will notice (though again, that's not my primary motivation for change now). I'm going to DB for the same reason I ended up hiking 23.4 miles and climbing 3700 feet a few weeks ago in Great Smoky Mtns Natl Park -- to succeed in a personal challenge and push myself to accomplish something.

My goal is to act in a way to maximize her affection and desire for me. As to how far that will go -- who can tell? We shall see.

[RBinBR]

Today, W came up to me at put her arms around me and held me tight for a while, saying she really wanted us to be friends. It lasted a while and then I ended it. That's the first physical contact between us in over a month.

She then wanted to talk more about all the problems she's having at work, and of course I listened and validated. The upshot is that she's not getting any leads and is broke and says she won't be able to pay her bills for next month if the tax refund check doesn't come soon.

The big news, though, (and perhaps the explanation for the big hug at the beginning of the visit) is that she says OM has enlisted in the Army. If this is true and he actually goes through with an enlistment, this will almost certainly end their A. There are no army installations anywhere near us, and I don't believe that W would move away from her D4 and her extended family (or if she did, it wouldn't last). OM would initially go into Basic Training for 9 weeks, and I don't think the A would survive that because much of it is without much in the way of phone privileges -- I know because I almost joined the Guard last year. And, of course, the Army would try to teach him something about honor.

All of that is why I'm skeptical that OM will go through with it, but maybe he's ready to end the A and this is his way out -- who knows?

[Mamabear]

Hang in there RB! Doesn't this ride SUCK???????
One minute I love him and am willing to wait and work it out and the next minute I am done! Like as of this minute, it is definitely OVER!!! See me tomorrow for an update, or not....

[RBinBR]

Mama, I'm sorry to hear that you've had a setback. I will definitely read your thread tomorrow.

Honestly, though, "the ride" isn't a problem for me right now, because I'm finally not riding anymore. I no longer feel very emotionally invested in the outcome of this and I finally feel in control.

A month ago, I would have been much more emotional upon hearing about OM's enlistment. Excited at the possibility that the A could end soon, scared that he wouldn't really do it, etc. Now, I'm calmly looking forward to maybe watching my wife try to win me back. Or not.

[RBinBR]

I just got back from the extended family's Mother's Day party. D4 "got" her mommy a new blouse from mommy's favorite store (where mommy can no longer afford to shop, by the way), and mommy was very happy. In addition to D, she thanked me several times, and her eyes said that she meant it. "I" didn't get W anything, not even a card, and that's the first time ever for that; but W obviously knew that I purchased the blouse, which she clearly liked. Only mistake -- apparently, W has dropped a size and I haven't noticed. Oh well.

All interaction with W was casual and fun. Good stuff.

[deejay]

Soungs great RB...Its funny how things finally get better when you make a decision for yourself.After 6 months all it took was 1 day and night of hanging out with my W,and having a great time and forgetting everything for a little while that she realized that she actually liked spending time with me after "allowing"herself to do so!
DeeJay

[DavidM]

RB, are you sure that you don't really want your wife?

I don't want her the way she is. I am quite sure of that. I'm not willing to take her back without serious change, and I'm not optimistic that those changes will occur, even if OM is out of the picture.

dig deep in your heart (under the protective armour) for the love you once had for your wife

Oh, there's still some love in there, of course. Sure, there was bitterness about (for me internally, anyway) the end of my marriage and the realization that the person I thought I married was someone else. Part of me feels that the person I loved never really existed. But that wave of bitterness has largely passed.

---

Boy does this sound like me! I def. do NOT want W to come back as a brokenspirited, passive, shell of a person... My W (and yours it seems) need to do some growing up and learn to take responsibility for their role in a marriage. And thinking OM is the answer is not doing so. All us DBers KNOW that only YOU can make you happy; someone else can't fix your life. Until your W and mine figure this out and stop holding on to the hope that they can have a R w/ OM... they won't be happy.


And yes, there is bitterness (?) anger, confusion on my part also about WHO this person was that I've been living w/ esp for the past 5 years. So I GET where you are at.
Thing is you have to make a choice every day when you get up (as I do) that you are NOT going to do anything counter productive to YOUR mental wellbeing, NOR to W's best interests. That doesn't mean be a doormat...but I don't make snide comments to her even when the sitch calls for me to blast her out of the park. So be supportive of her efforts to be w/ your D, don't slam her when she doesn't do what a "good Mom" would do and if it isn't something that can be harmful to your D, just let it go.
My W was, still MOSTLY is, a highly involved parent. But last year when she was in deep w/ OM she only spent the time she HAD to w/ the kids; never had the time to come to S11 ball games on her days off (OM was off too) and W was only working 2 days a week!

[RBinBR]

Thing is you have to make a choice every day when you get up (as I do) that you are NOT going to do anything counter productive to YOUR mental wellbeing, NOR to W's best interests. That doesn't mean be a doormat...but I don't make snide comments to her even when the sitch calls for me to blast her out of the park. So be supportive of her efforts to be w/ your D, don't slam her when she doesn't do what a "good Mom" would do and if it isn't something that can be harmful to your D, just let it go.

That should be a lot easier now that my perception of her has changed. When I thought more highly of my W, I had higher expectations of her. Now, I don't really expect much of anything.

Actually, W spent a lot of time with D last week. I don't know whether it was that the week ended with Mothers Day, guilt resulting from my talk with her, the fact that she didn't have much to do at work, the realization that she's going to be alone after her boy toy leaves for the Army, or some combination of these -- but I don't have any complaints about last week.

[BeingMe]

In my experience, it's always best not to have too many expectations of anyone. Not to mean you can't trust someone to a degree, however, the only person we can count on in reality, is ourselves. That has been a hard lesson for me to learn in my sitch, and I am still learning it day by day.