W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

RB, are you sure that you don't really want your wife?

I don't want her the way she is. I am quite sure of that. I'm not willing to take her back without serious change, and I'm not optimistic that those changes will occur, even if OM is out of the picture.

dig deep in your heart (under the protective armour) for the love you once had for your wife

Oh, there's still some love in there, of course. Sure, there was bitterness about (for me internally, anyway) the end of my marriage and the realization that the person I thought I married was someone else. Part of me feels that the person I loved never really existed. But that wave of bitterness has largely passed.

I'm not going to focus on the love that's left, however, as my motivation to DB. No, my new motivation is coming from the desire to challenge myself. I'm in the process of developing a new self-improvement list. I'm going to make sure that I find ways to improve myself intellectually, spiritually, physically, environmentally (house, clothes, etc.), relationally, and financially. This will incorporate a number of internal and external changes. I'm really going to challenge myself to become the man that I can be, and I'm sure that W will notice (though again, that's not my primary motivation for change now). I'm going to DB for the same reason I ended up hiking 23.4 miles and climbing 3700 feet a few weeks ago in Great Smoky Mtns Natl Park -- to succeed in a personal challenge and push myself to accomplish something.

My goal is to act in a way to maximize her affection and desire for me. As to how far that will go -- who can tell? We shall see.