Hi RB, It may be completely unlikely that your W will ever be able to, or want to, acquire these important attributes. And less likely in your timeframe of needs. But I wouldn't be at all surprised if your clear vision and articulation of what you want, deserve and value for your life turns out to be the catalyst for change that she needs, since you are now fully prepared to walk. Just like the LBS we have been, where we look inward and discover new things about ourselves. I hold the candle for your wife that she will hit her own rock bottom and take on her own growth, now that you're not there in the ways that you were. It may still be too late for you, as often happens. But I will hold that space for your daughter's sake. And I hope you can too, regardless of what you decide you need to do about your M. You still feel like you have a bit of an "edge" about it all, I suspect because all of this is quite new and intense for you. I wish you continuing reflection and peace as you proceed. We are with you
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thanks, PL. As far as W hitting rock bottom, I can definitely see a couple of ways that could happen. Who knows what would happen then?
Quote: You still feel like you have a bit of an "edge" about it all, I suspect because all of this is quite new and intense for you.
Yeah, it wasn't easy for me yesterday, and I'm still a little upset -- but who wouldn't be after effectively deciding that their marriage is over and telling that to their spouse? Today, though, I have much more peace about where I am.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Today, the feeling that my M is over has me depressed and bitter (a nasty cold might also have something to do with this). I took all the pictures of me and her off the walls and put them away. W came by tonight to spend time with D, and I didn't say anything to her. I really couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her.
The other part of the equation is that every time I look into my daughter's eyes, I know I can't go through with filing for divorce. For her sake, I feel that I'm going to have to wait until W can file in Jan 2008, unless she and the OM have a kid or something {shudder}. My D loves her mommy so much, and, for her sake, I don't think I could end our M so long as there exists a glimmer of hope that my W could end it with the OM and change. So now I'm the one who feels trapped in a marriage I don't want.
Thanks for reading and pray excuse my pity party ... I'll feel better tomorrow.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
No decisions need to be made this week, or this month. Focus your time and efforts right now on becoming the best RB you can be. Avoid getting sucked into REacting, basing your moods on your R, pushing away just to try to get a reaction out of her, etc.
You don't want her the way she is now. You have no way of knowing if you will want her when she starts to deal with herself (if she does). I think dropping the rope right now is an excellent idea, but don't be passive-aggressive about it. Just drop the rope, concentrate on you and your beautiful child, and finding joy in every day.
PS - Do consider whether filing for a legal separation would be a good idea - I think you should cement your custody rights with your D while W is not fighting you for her, and protect yourself from your W's future debts financially.
RB, I haven't posted much on your thread but you have given me some needed advice. I am kind of where you are at. My M is over. But when I look in my children's eyes (3) and see how much they love their dad, I just don't know if I can end things. But, I don't know how I can continue the way it is. Everything I read about statistics shows that D affects kids big time. My H and I each have so much baggage from our childhoods, and our parents are still married, God only knows how much a D can compound things for them.
Anyway, by responding to your post I have decided to stay in my marriage, even if only temporarily, for my kids sake. I do not want them to suffer or hurt anymore than they have in the last 7 months.
Sorry for the hijack, again I'm apologizing - Catholic guilt with a few beers added for good measure.
Actually, I think that the longer that D continues to live with me and see W for only a couple of hours a week, the better my custody case gets. The custody and financial situations are stable and I don't see any need to press forward with it right now.
Thanks for your kind words, though. I'm not going to be passive-aggressive toward my W. I just avoided her tonight so that I wouldn't say anything I would regret.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Today was Mother's Day at D4's preschool. She talked all evening about how much fun she had with Mommy and how much she loves her and how much Mommy liked the present she made for her at school.
Part of me wanted to gag, since W has averaged spending 2.5 hours a week (at most) with D since she walked/got kicked out on Jan 8 ... W doesn't deserve the amazing love that D has for her.
But she does have it, and she always will. So, I've been thinking that I owe it to D to DB some more.
This should be fun -- trying to win the love of someone I don't think I want, who knows that I don't want her anymore because I've told her ... all done for the faint possibility that W will change dramaticaly after ending it with the OM. (Is my sitch weird or what?)
In any event, why not? As I've already said, I'm not interested in dating in the forseeable future anyway. What else am I going to do with my time?
I've decided to approach this as a personal challenge or a game. Since I don't really want her anyway (at least as she is), I won't have much emotionally invested in my efforts. Theoretically, I should now be able to DB in extraordinary fashion, since I have nothing to lose.
We'll see. As I said, this should be fun.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RB, are you sure that you don't really want your wife? You have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and that may be clouding your judgement. In a perfect world your wife would be everything you want her to be, but this isn't a perfect world. Thru DB'ing you have changed, so who's to say that your wife couldn't change.
It is obvious that your daughter means the world to you. Right? She loves her mommy (even with all her flaws), so dig deep in your heart (under the protective armour) for the love you once had for your wife and DB like you never did before.
