W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

To clarify some more, I never told my W "you're going to Hell!" and I didn't tell her "you've been a rotten mother to our D and you'd be a rotten mother to any future kids that I want." That, however, was the unescapable inference from my comments.

I did not say what I said to hurt her; I said it to explain why my position regarding her had changed and why I might file for D. I said it dispassionately. I was not yelling, because I was not angry. Of course, though, it was extremely hurtful to her -- there was no way to say what I needed to say without hurting her.

I certainly don't feel that what I did was in conflict with my own beliefs.

If your W came here tomorrow, we would all tell her not to believe a word you are saying and to get to work on herself.

So, that brings me to my last point for the night. I guess what bothers me the most is that after all the posting and reading you have done here, you don't recognize that it IS possible that your W can change and sadly it may have to be this WAS-like wakeup call that spurs it, maybe too late.

Of course it's possible that my W could change, and of course I recognize that. If she were to get rid of the OM and decide to change, I would certainly give her the opportunity to repair our M. In fact, yesterday may have actually helped on that front, by making it clear to her (I think for the first time) that she would have to significantly change if she wanted to return to the marriage. I think she has previously believed that she would simply have to end it with the OM and I'd be there with open arms to take her back, as is.

"There is nothing to work on"

Actually, I said that I am most definitely going to continue to work on myself. Anyone who's followed my sitch knows that I still have important stuff to work on there. And if my W truly decided to work on our M, I would do so as well and eagerly see what would develop.

"I don't want to work on the marriage"

Not true. I'm just not going to work on it any longer by myself.

I suppose the reason that my first post about this yesterday was so negative was that I sorta felt as if I was letting down everyone on this board by deciding that I no longer cared enough about my W to keep working at DB'ing.

I don't look at it that way, though. I'm taking ownership of my life and I'm resolved to act in the best interest of myself and my daugther. I'm now actively exploring the idea that my best interest might not lie in a M with my W. So, I don't see this as "giving up" or anything, because I really see it as a step in my personal growth.