W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

Suited, thanks for writing.

take careful note of how you were trying to manipulate the situation.

There's no doubt in my mind that I did just the wrong amount of "controlling" when W kicked the OM out -- just enough to pressure her without actually controlling anything, LOL. I actually think this is for the best, though.

I suspect that even though you will having a great time with your D, there will be times when your thoughts turn to less pleasant matters.

Probably. But I'm going to enjoy this trip immensely. My D and I both really love WDW, and this will be her first time to be able to ride most of the attractions.

You know FOR SURE, W and OM won't last. That's a given.

I don't know about "sure." I'm pretty sure, but stranger things have happened. BTW, I think OM just turned 21, so I may have to change the thread title.

It is in my experience that the worst thoughts are the one's where you try to replay the past in your mind in a seemingly fruitless task of finding out what went wrong. It's a no win situation as well as f*ucking with your PMA.

Agreed. I believe that God has a plan and I trust him. The past is past.

[RBinBR]

Well, D and I are headed for Disney! I absolutely will not look at this board until Saturday night, so I'll look forward to catching up with all of you then.

I'm really excited, because I managed to get rooms at Disney's All Star Sports resort for $36 a night on Priceline. This last week is the first time that Priceline has carried Disney resorts in their inventory. By the way, if you want to learn to be a Priceline pro, you can visit Bidding for Travel.

D has been extremely excited about the trip, as you can imagine. She's going to have the time of her life, and I'm going to enjoy that so much.

By the way, D4 decided yesterday (completely on her own) to pray that "Mommy comes back to live with us." Kids are amazing, huh?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, looking forward to hearing about your trip to DisneyWorld with your D. I hope it was amazing! Let us know how you are doing

[RBinBR]

Hi PL and everyone,

My D and I had a wonderful trip. It was a special time for both of us, and we made memories that neither of us will ever forget.

In contrast to the solo trips I took a couple of weeks ago to Grand Isle and to Great Smoky Mnts Natl Park, this trip did not help me to lovingly detach from my W ... it made me resent her and put me close to the point of filing for D.

First of all, the trip was a powerful reminder to me of how much I want more kids. This trip was wonderful, and I don't want this to be the only time I take a young child of mine to Disney.

My W and I had agreed when we got married on three kids, but after D4, my W decided that she only wanted two, and she more recently decided that D was probably enough. And why should she want to have more kids? She doesn't really want to be a mommy to the one that she's got. Being a mother has never been something that's been important to her, and I want a wife who if asked to tell you about herself, would first define herself as a Christian wife and mother (as opposed to a salesman for company X). That doesn't mean that my wife needs to be a stay-at-home mom, it just means that I want to be married to someone whose family is the most important part of her life after her relationship with God. I just really question now whether or not my W is ever going to be the mother that I want for my kids (present and future). I wouldn't want to have more kids right now with her, because that wouldn't be fair to them. I feel like an idiot because she told me before we were married that she wasn't the "motherly type," but I stupidly assumed that would change when she actually had a child of her own to love and care for.

Additionally, just seeing thousands of happy families and happy couples together at WDW just reinforced how much I want that, and I don't think I'm ever going to have that with my W.

I'm not about to go file or anything, but I'm really done DB'ing in the sense of trying. Right now, a big part of me doesn't want her back, and she has become truly disgusting to me in some respects. This is new ground for me, and I really don't know what to do anymore.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

I really understand where you are coming from, and I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel good, to be faced with the possible reality that your W really IS the person that has been doing all these painful and horrible things that don't fit your values. This is something I have been struggling with this weekend also. If my H is really someone who thinks having a secret A with a married woman is OK, a man who would continue to abandon his wife and family for some "feel-good" fantasy vacations, well if that's who he REALLY is then he's not the one for me. What has kept me going and DBing is the memories I have of a man with integrity, who cared deeply about the feelings of others, and who seems lost right now from those values that he has always appeared to have, which matched with mine and also inspired me. I need to believe in him - I have learned that I need to be able to respect my H to continue to do this. And when my respect for him wavers, I need to step back until I can find it again. I think it is important that you DB because it works for YOU, for your life, for your values, for your goals. I don't think D makes life any easier in terms of dealing with our S's, especially if there are children involved. But sometimes the scale tips towards D as a better solution, and you will know if/when that ever becomes the case. I just encourage you not to be hasty with anything. I think seeing the happy families on vacation TOGETHER can be quite a trigger of something's wrong, something's missing here and I know my tendency is to rush to fix it, whatever it is, when something's wrong. I get triggereed watching TV right now - I can hardly watch it. Everything seems like it is about married couples and relationships and happy couples or couples that overcome adversity by sticking with it, and I feel like my H doesn't care and isn't here and it just doesn't fit my values; so whenever the TV is on, (even sports or the news!), I feel there is some reference to my H and I not being together right now, like my partner is missing and there's something wrong here and I just want to end my pain now. Yesterday I tried watching TV a bit which I think is part of the reason for my weepy day. But I sure don't want to base my choices today on the emotions from yesterday. So my advice to you is to ease back into everyday life at home, and see what comes up next. Sometimes the pendulum swings pretty far to one side, and then the other. When you find your true balance in the middle, then you will know if there is some new action that must be taken. In any case, it is nice to see you back on the boards. And I am happy for your memorable times with your D4. You are so lucky to have her, and you are a great dad. Trust that you are being divinely led. The answers will come if you are patient and listen. Don't be too hard on yourself - you are a good person, and it is possible that you "rescued" your W when you married her and now you are wanting a true partner rather than someone you would always be leading. Hang in there and see if you continuing to step back and detach will allow her the space to step up - maybe she will. You will know when you are truly done.

[RBinBR]

PL, thanks for writing and thanks for the encouragement.

Just to clarify ... the emotional trigger of seeing happy couples wasn't the big deal this past week. What hit me the hardest was the logical conclusion of realizing that I may not ultimately want to stay in a M with my W.

I want more kids; she doesn't want more kids. I want a better mother for my future kids, somebody who wants to be mom. I'm not talking about her behavior during the A (which has admitedly been atrocious). I'm talking about the fact that W put D in day care even before she had a job, just because she didn't want to be burdened with taking care of her all day every day. I'm talking about the fact that W was eager to leave D at MIL's every evening she could and go out without her. She never really wanted to take D to a movie or take her to Chuck E Cheese or anything.

I just want better than that for my future kids. I want them to have a mom who wants to be a mom and takes at least as much pride in motherhood as I do in fatherhood. Could my W's outlook on life -- and her priorities -- change? Sure, but I'm just not sure that I might not be happier with someone else.

Don't worry, I'm not planning to file for D anytime soon or anything; I'm just realizing that the prospect of a D isn't so bad and might ultimately be what I want. I don't really want my W back right now. Is that detachment? Yes, but it's not the kind that makes me want to DB. I'm just not really interested in my W right now.

[RBinBR]

I just told my wife that I was probably planning to file for divorce soon. I also ended up telling her that she wasn't a Christian and she was going to hell, along with the OM. I had packed up the rest of her stuff that was here at the house and put it in her SUV.

Needless to say, she left crying. She said that I had hurt her very deeply, and I asked her what she thought she had done to me for the past seven months.

I guess I should quit this board, because I'm really not DB'ing anymore. Part of me hopes that she'll yet end it with the OM, but a bigger part of me is now ready to move on with the rest of my life.

[stillhangin]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck.

[SuitedUp]

RBinBR,

Out of all the sitches that I have read on this board in my 3 and a bit years here, your's has sickened me the most. However, I kept on reading and you have been a great source of strength for me and for that I am grateful.

If I can comment briefly to you. I think that right now, you are going through a terrible crisis in yourself. You are having an awakening but rather than allowing it to flourish, you are trying pushing it along and that is not good.

The things that you have come to realize such as you wanting more children and wanting a motherly type are all good things. In any M, giving and taking are essential and in your M, you made the decision to give up those things and now, you are seeing the opportunity to make them right again.

I so totally agree with you. What your W has done to you is despicable and reprehensible. You should be feeling compassion for her instead of anger because she is not well. She is not a normally functioning human being inside her head. However, there can be no excuses for what she has chosen to do and while you can forgive her, only the world's greatest fool could ever decide to trust her again. This is where the showstopper lies for you. The fact that you can never trust her again. Never trust her to be faithful, never trust her to be loyal, never trust her with your children and never trust her with your future.

The ability to forgive is one of God's blessings and we should take it. It is a gift we give to ourselves so we don't imprison ourselves in anger. Trusting is a completely different and separate issue.

There is never a more important time in your life that you need DBing. You mission now if your choose to accept it Jim, is to rebuild your and your D's lives. If DBing pinned all it hopes on averting a D, then it would be a complete failure. Where DBing excels at, is to help you become the person you were meant to be. Not the person that because of you continually compromising and continual sacrificing. You're already starting to see the real you. I suggest that there is plenty more to go.

Suit

[Walking]

I also ended up telling her that she wasn't a Christian and she was going to hell, along with the OM.

Well, that was a Christian thing to say???.

RB I understand the pain you are in. I understand the hopelessness you feel, that you think will be fixed by cutting off the problem, making it go away - unfortunately your problem (your wife's behaviour) is never going to go away because she is the mother of your daughter.

Whether you like it or not she is going to be in your life for at least the next 30 or 40 years - when your daughter starts school, when your daughter finishes school, at her graudation, at her prom, at her wedding, at the birth of her first children - your wife and you are both legitimately going to have a role in EVERY important achievement of your daughters life.

Perhaps you've decided you don't want to renew a commitment to your wife should she decide to leave the 20 year old - but there are 2 ways you can do it.

One is with anger, hate and unforgiveness - the other is with dignity, forgiveness and a loving heart. The later is what the DB principles will provide for you.

You want the best for your daughter yes? Please run with the later.