W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

PL, thanks for writing and thanks for the encouragement.

Just to clarify ... the emotional trigger of seeing happy couples wasn't the big deal this past week. What hit me the hardest was the logical conclusion of realizing that I may not ultimately want to stay in a M with my W.

I want more kids; she doesn't want more kids. I want a better mother for my future kids, somebody who wants to be mom. I'm not talking about her behavior during the A (which has admitedly been atrocious). I'm talking about the fact that W put D in day care even before she had a job, just because she didn't want to be burdened with taking care of her all day every day. I'm talking about the fact that W was eager to leave D at MIL's every evening she could and go out without her. She never really wanted to take D to a movie or take her to Chuck E Cheese or anything.

I just want better than that for my future kids. I want them to have a mom who wants to be a mom and takes at least as much pride in motherhood as I do in fatherhood. Could my W's outlook on life -- and her priorities -- change? Sure, but I'm just not sure that I might not be happier with someone else.

Don't worry, I'm not planning to file for D anytime soon or anything; I'm just realizing that the prospect of a D isn't so bad and might ultimately be what I want. I don't really want my W back right now. Is that detachment? Yes, but it's not the kind that makes me want to DB. I'm just not really interested in my W right now.