W31, OM20, part II

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

I really understand where you are coming from, and I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel good, to be faced with the possible reality that your W really IS the person that has been doing all these painful and horrible things that don't fit your values. This is something I have been struggling with this weekend also. If my H is really someone who thinks having a secret A with a married woman is OK, a man who would continue to abandon his wife and family for some "feel-good" fantasy vacations, well if that's who he REALLY is then he's not the one for me. What has kept me going and DBing is the memories I have of a man with integrity, who cared deeply about the feelings of others, and who seems lost right now from those values that he has always appeared to have, which matched with mine and also inspired me. I need to believe in him - I have learned that I need to be able to respect my H to continue to do this. And when my respect for him wavers, I need to step back until I can find it again. I think it is important that you DB because it works for YOU, for your life, for your values, for your goals. I don't think D makes life any easier in terms of dealing with our S's, especially if there are children involved. But sometimes the scale tips towards D as a better solution, and you will know if/when that ever becomes the case. I just encourage you not to be hasty with anything. I think seeing the happy families on vacation TOGETHER can be quite a trigger of something's wrong, something's missing here and I know my tendency is to rush to fix it, whatever it is, when something's wrong. I get triggereed watching TV right now - I can hardly watch it. Everything seems like it is about married couples and relationships and happy couples or couples that overcome adversity by sticking with it, and I feel like my H doesn't care and isn't here and it just doesn't fit my values; so whenever the TV is on, (even sports or the news!), I feel there is some reference to my H and I not being together right now, like my partner is missing and there's something wrong here and I just want to end my pain now. Yesterday I tried watching TV a bit which I think is part of the reason for my weepy day. But I sure don't want to base my choices today on the emotions from yesterday. So my advice to you is to ease back into everyday life at home, and see what comes up next. Sometimes the pendulum swings pretty far to one side, and then the other. When you find your true balance in the middle, then you will know if there is some new action that must be taken. In any case, it is nice to see you back on the boards. And I am happy for your memorable times with your D4. You are so lucky to have her, and you are a great dad. Trust that you are being divinely led. The answers will come if you are patient and listen. Don't be too hard on yourself - you are a good person, and it is possible that you "rescued" your W when you married her and now you are wanting a true partner rather than someone you would always be leading. Hang in there and see if you continuing to step back and detach will allow her the space to step up - maybe she will. You will know when you are truly done.