My D and I had a wonderful trip. It was a special time for both of us, and we made memories that neither of us will ever forget.
In contrast to the solo trips I took a couple of weeks ago to Grand Isle and to Great Smoky Mnts Natl Park, this trip did not help me to lovingly detach from my W ... it made me resent her and put me close to the point of filing for D.
First of all, the trip was a powerful reminder to me of how much I want more kids. This trip was wonderful, and I don't want this to be the only time I take a young child of mine to Disney.
My W and I had agreed when we got married on three kids, but after D4, my W decided that she only wanted two, and she more recently decided that D was probably enough. And why should she want to have more kids? She doesn't really want to be a mommy to the one that she's got. Being a mother has never been something that's been important to her, and I want a wife who if asked to tell you about herself, would first define herself as a Christian wife and mother (as opposed to a salesman for company X). That doesn't mean that my wife needs to be a stay-at-home mom, it just means that I want to be married to someone whose family is the most important part of her life after her relationship with God. I just really question now whether or not my W is ever going to be the mother that I want for my kids (present and future). I wouldn't want to have more kids right now with her, because that wouldn't be fair to them. I feel like an idiot because she told me before we were married that she wasn't the "motherly type," but I stupidly assumed that would change when she actually had a child of her own to love and care for.
Additionally, just seeing thousands of happy families and happy couples together at WDW just reinforced how much I want that, and I don't think I'm ever going to have that with my W.
I'm not about to go file or anything, but I'm really done DB'ing in the sense of trying. Right now, a big part of me doesn't want her back, and she has become truly disgusting to me in some respects. This is new ground for me, and I really don't know what to do anymore.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
