Well, I thought Easter would get to her. W called tonight, and I didn't answer. She left an emotional message. First, she thanked me for the Easter card and gift. (I gave her the Narnia movie -- she'll like watching it with D, and I like the message of the kid betraying his family and repenting and finding forgiveness. )

She also told me to pray for her, because OM "won't listen to her anymore" and she doesn't know what to do. Unfortunately, I really don't know what that means. I think it means that OM will no longer accept her saying that their R was wrong and that they don't need to be together. So what does THAT mean? I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm not getting involved in that anymore. Since I had to swing by the house to drop off the tax forms for her to sign (yes, I did put it off until the last day), I also enclosed a note reminding her that I can't help her anymore with OM, and that if she needs help, she can get it from God, her friends and family, our pastor, and the C that we were going to (she knows that I will pay for her to go).

I also told her that I had been doing some soul-searching and was dealing of things of my own right now, including an upcoming visit to my mother. Since I didn't tell her what about, my W is going to drive herself bonkers with the mystery of what I am doing, visiting my mother for the first time in six years.

Anyway, as I said in the last post, I really don't want a R with W right this minute. I want to spend a little time getting to know myself.

When I quit the porn in January, I started trying to fantasize only about my W. All that did was turn me into a rabid dog when I was around her, which didn't help me get her back. Although that has subsided significantly, the realization I came to in Grand Isle is that I really need to give up all sexual fantasy, including that with my W. Even more dramatically, I realized I needed to give up fantasizing altogether! I'm never going to hit the game-winning home run in a World Series, so why am I trying to make myself feel better by pretending? I need to quit trying to meet my need for admiration and affection through make-believe and honestly address the issues I have and see which of them can be met through a deeper relationship with Jesus and which of them can be met through more honest earthly relationships.

That's going to take me a little time.

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)