W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL and Becca. I really appreciate both of your posts.

I've previously mentioned my problem with pornography on this board, how it took my W's affair for me to confront and defeat that addiction, how I've since started a support group at my church for men with sexual addictions, and how I'm now planning to engage in a prison ministry to help men there.

Well, I just finished reading the book Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Dr. Mark Laaser, and it's not like a light bulb came on over my head ... it's more like a bank of floodlights came on. It was like he knew my exact story in describing how a person's childhood can lead to sexual addiction.

I should start by explaining that my parents have had separate bedrooms since before 1984, which was my mother's decision. She home-schooled me from the time I was 12, which is also when we moved to my grandparents' farm here in Louisiana. Since I was on a farm, in a home school, I had almost no interaction with other kids all my teenage years.

My mother would consistently start arguments with my father, which she would use to put him down and demean him sarcastically. She would recruit me to her side in these arguments, so we usually ended up ganging up on my dad (whose arguments, to be fair, usually didn't make much sense).

As a result, my father abandoned me emotionally -- though that was something that was largely going on before this, as he was in the Navy and didn't seem to enjoy spending time with me even when he wasn't at sea. I never really could talk to him about anything except sports or the weather.

Laaser describes what my mother did as "emotional incest," and I believe he is correct. She basically didn't have a relationship with my father, so I was a substitute husband for her emotionally. Because I was denied the opportunity for other relationships, my mother was all I had, so her approval and affection were crucial to my emotional well-being.

That approval, though, always had to be earned. I got it when I got good grades and did things to please her. If she disapproved of something I did, she would sulk and shun me until I apologized and promised to do better. (That dynamic reached its conclusion with my marriage and her rejection of me.)

It should be obvious by now that this was not the ideal upbringing to prepare me for a successful marriage. I had started on the path to addiction when I was 12, and from then on I would MB at least once a day. The women in my fantasies gave me the admiration and unconditional love and affection that I needed.

I never really developed many close friendships with other guys, so my marriage became the only relationship to satisfy my emotional needs. When that burden is placed on one relationship, it is bound to have problems.

Not only that, but I treated my wife in much the same way that my mother treated my father (after all, she trained me to). I would put down my wife and sarcastically demean her in arguments. Because my mother controlled and manipulated me, I would see ordinary things that my wife did as controlling and get angry.

Because I had learned to please my mother to get affection and admiration, I always worked very hard to please my wife. She, however, didn't know what I needed and was frustrated by my failure to let her take care of my needs. This was true in other areas of our relationship as well, but it was especially true sexually.

Because she didn't understand my needs and couldn't have repaired the damage from my childhood if she tried, my relationship with my wife never satisfied me. I would depend on porn for the fantasies to try to get the admiration and affection I needed. (Actually, I didn't use what society calls porn, because I didn't need to see everything for my fantasies, and using lingerie or swimsuit models made me feel less guilty.)

It's only since my W left that I've developed a close friendships with other men (one friend in particular from my group), and I've learned to depend more on my relationship with Christ to fulfill my emotional needs.

I've said several times that this journey of self-discovery (that began last fall with my W's confession) is something that I would never take back. Much of what I wrote above is stuff that I have learned gradually since last October, but Laaser's book has now enabled me to see the whole picture and specifically helped me connect my childhood to the present and the problems in my marriage.

It's really amazing ... each time that I think I'm really ready for my W to come back to me and reconcile, God has revealed more to me and paid big dividends for my patience.

This is truly a radical change, but for right now, I don't want my W in any kind of relationship -- at least until I figure out who I am. I've spent my whole life trying to please my mother and then my wife (largely unsuccessfully, in the latter case) in exchange for their affection and approval that I'm really wondering what I'm like apart from that. I mean, if I picked out a movie for my W and I to enjoy, I needed her to like it so that I could feel good about my reading reviews and making the best decision -- her approval was that critical.

I plan to lovingly confront my mother about my upbringing. She was emotionally and physically abused as a child as well, and I know that she did the best she could in many ways, but I need some closure on these things to move forward in my life. So, we'll see what happens on Tuesday.