I clearly stated my ignorance to the DB approach on affairs, so please don't take my point of view as an attack on these principles that you clearly hold in high regard. I found DB a really interesting read, and right in line with my own values so when I found this site I came looking for more. Thank you for your recommendations for further reading.
It's amazing how misrepresented I feel, and I have done it to myself with my choice of words. First of all, I have NOT been overtly pressuring her or starting arguments or pursuing her. I have been addressing issues in our interactions that I have the power to change. I have been pleasant to be around, despite my fluctuating emotional state. I do not start arguments - in fact I have not brought up the affair in weeks, up until a few days ago when I asked what it would take for her to give it up. I do not give ultimatums, or act in a controlling manner. One of the things that my wife still says that she really appreciates about our relationship is that I truly allow her to be herself and appreciate her for who she is. As for a "superior position" - I don't feel that this is the case either, however our roles are somewhat unequal in that I have an outlook and opportunities for positive self growth that she doesn't because of certain "hang ups" that she is working with a therapist to address. Look, I have always viewed relationships as a way to learn about the depths of oneself through deeply loving another COMPLETE person. I do not view my wife as an extension of myself, but rather as my best friend and partner on this journey through life - seeking truth, knowledge and understanding. Experience. I know no more than she does - so I would never attempt to "fix" her, because she is right just the way she is.
Now, this being said - each of us contribute to our problematic interactions, and I know that my wife uses resentment as a way to manipulate me - sort of "if you don't do what I want, I'm going to resent you". I guess my problem here is that the only way for me to change the dynamic of the situation (in any straightforward way that I can understand) is for me to give her everything she wants - which is clearly impossible when her wants are not communicated in a way that I can understand, and are beyond reach financially. Of course, I'm a placator when it comes to conflict, so this is my instinct - however misguided it may be.
Also, I know that she projects responsibility for her shortcomings onto me (which leads to resentment). She blames me for decisions she made, etc. These are clearly issues that have to be resolved in therapy, but they strike at the heart of our marriage, damaging our intimacy. The same can be said about respect - that she doesn't respect herself (often saying she wishes she could be a "real person"), so she thinks nobody respects her.
So how do I address through my actions and perspective these issues to create an environment more conducive to intimacy in light of these points? We are getting along great – at least on a somewhat superficial level, but what is, and has been lacking from our relationship according to my wife has been intimacy and attraction. My feeling is that it’s essential to work on preventing more resentment and chipping away at what remains. So I guess this is clearly why it’s a bad move to take any aggressive action against the affair, because regardless of the reasoning, it will inevitably create resentment.
So why are we going to counseling? Well, at the very least it provides us with a mediated forum to discuss our issues, and to recognize strengths in our relationship that we take for granted through disclosure to a new person.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
