The Power Struggle

[RBinBR]

Muddle,

I'm going to tell you straight up that what you are doing will not work. They are some different strategies for things that work, but every expert out there will agree that pursuing your W and pressuring her is the way to chase her away, not get her back.

I am starting to get to my wits end because any conversation about the affair is viewed as confrontational and sparks an argument. I have surprised myself with the amount of self-control I have in the heat of these arguments, and I have been able to see through her abusive behaviour

You are starting arguments with your W all the time and you're congratulating yourself on your self-control? Get real! How in the world is starting arguments with her going to help her love you more or end the A?

You are trying to control your W. You are trying to "fix" her. I tried this myself before reading Divorce Remedy. Trust me when I tell you that you cannot fix your W. The only thing you can fix is yourself. Fixing her is something you're going to have to leave up to God.

I'll bet you anything that you have been in a controlling position with respect to your W throughout your marriage, that you have always seen yourself as superior to her, and you have failed to truly give her the respect she deserves. That's why she is so full of resentment toward you. I write this as someone who did the same thing in his marriage. My W would sarcastically call me her "psychologist" because I would try to get in her head and presume what she was thinking, and it seems to me that you are doing the same thing.

In your first post, you state that your W is full of resentment toward you. In a later one, you state that the alienation she feels towards your pressure is short-lived! Guess what -- it's not short lived.

Clearly, my wife is enjoying having two men that love her.

I'm with GH on this -- most women in particular do not really enjoy their affairs because they are confused and feel guilty.

Do you think she'll come to her senses and stop on her own?

Maybe. If you let her and give her a little space. Try it, because what you are doing isn't working.

I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do to force an end to the affair, rather I feel that a certain amount of pressure can and should be applied in order to expose the weakness of the affair relationship and help it to fail on its own.

Umm .... "helping" the A to "fail on its own" is itself a contradiction. By the way, what we feel is usually not a very good strategy, in my opinion.

We started marriage counseling, but she is there only for me, so there's little chance that she'll take it seriously or actively participate in it.

So why are you going? Why are you wasting your time?

I have read Divorce Busting and found it to be very interesting and useful, unfortunately it is very clear to me that the techniques are not very useful while the affair is ongoing

DB was Michele's first book. You really need to read her second, Divorce Remedy.