Look, what you are talking about goes against everything DB/DR stands for. You're pressuring your W, you're focusing on the A, you're involving friends and family, and I guess you feel you can control your wife this way.
As for reading on DB approaches to an A in progress, read my sitch, PArob's, Tim's, Frank_D, Mamabear and MANY others here who have ALL dealt with this through DBing to varying degrees of success.
I am NOT saying that DB is some kind of miracle drug that will cure all in your marriage but I guess the point I was trying to make on my thread earlier today with RB and now to you is that you ARE on the site that is designed to support the DB/DR approach to these things so trying to learn and put into practice the ideals is what most people come here for.
You say you have seen some results from a week and a half of practice. You say that there is little to no discussion about how to change the dynamic of a relationship whose structure has been drastically altered by the addition of a third party. Well, the books discuss it directly, but more than that, most of the threads here AND the books center on the idea that we focus on US, NOT the A or our WAS in order to affect change in the R. Also, going hand in hand with that idea that permeates this board and the books, is the idea that we CANNOT control our spouses and efforts to do so often backfire.
You also say that your wife is CLEARLY enjoying this. Is that true? Is she really happy right now? Really? If she is, then she is quite unlike my wife or most of the other WAS here because once the A comes to light, most of them are miserable.
Look, we ALL have concerns about our self esteem/respect taking a hit from all this. It was one of the first things I said to my W in my first slip up/backslide R conversations after starting DB. I told her that I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I saw. Well, I can still do that after 4 months of "waiting" for the A to die and it looks like it just about (or already is) is dead now.
Today has been a strange day for me, mostly spent defending this set of ideals that I have been using successfully to this point in my sitch. I am not a zealot nor do I consider this stuff gospel but in order for anything to work you have to give it a real chance. I am going to get off my soapbox now and go back to normal life...such as it is these days. I am sorry if I came off angry or harsh. It is never my intent to offend or put you off.
I do wish you luck. You seem strong and also seem to know what you want and how you'll think you'll get it. That is a plus in a sitch when so much is uncertain. As RB said, each sitch requires it's own approach and DBing is not for everyone.
