Thank you for your response. Grasshopper, I think you misread in my post that I reject the DB principles - this is not that case. I have to admit that I have only just read Divorce Busting in the past week, week and a half, and I absolutely agree that the techniques are effective and useful, as I have seen some results from my application of them - that's why I'm here. However, there is little to no discussion about how to effectively change the dynamic of a relationship whose structure has been drastically altered by the addition of a third party.
I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do to force an end to the affair, rather I feel that a certain amount of pressure can and should be applied in order to expose the weakness of the affair relationship and help it to fail on its own. Because affairs thrive on secrecy, as it helps create and sustain the feelings experienced, exposure helps those involved to see themselves in a different light. It might create a backlash - causing some alienation - but in my experience this was very short-lived. My wife would rather have my close friendship and support AND continue the affair than alienate me in order to maintain the affair, which is unacceptable to me. This exactly why I named this thread what I did.
My approach for the 3 months that this has been going on HAS been to explore my contribution to the deficient state of our marriage and lives, and to see what I can change in myself and our interactions to improve this. I have taken responsibility for what I own, and I have done what I can do to change it. Unfortunately, the byproduct of an affair is the rationalizing and justifying that is done by someone involved, and this is damaging to the dynamic as well. I think I have done very well in taking fuel for the justifications out of the present, as our interactions are much better now, and there is little for my wife to blame me for now. However, a guilty conscience is always looking for something to place blame on, so there is no way to protect against this completely. I agree that an affair is a symptom of problems in a relationship. This does not change the fact that it is also a product of the bad judgement of the spouse involved. But the fact is that it becomes a problem of its own, breaking the relationship down even further. Should I ignore it, work on what I can and just wait for it to end? Clearly, my wife is enjoying having two men that love her. Do you think she'll come to her senses and stop on her own?
I am composing an email to send to the both of them with copies to their parents calling for them to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and for them to state their positions on several points (involving responsibility). Do you see this as an attempt to control my wife? I don't. But I also think that preserving my self respect as well as my respect for my wife is important, and I don't think that I can do this while enabling it. Do you think this a bad idea?
If anyone can point me to some reading on the DB approach to affairs and how to deal with them I would appreciate it.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
