Really sound advice from GH here, and I will only echo some of his comments in the hopes that they will be driven home. The main idea: you, and you alone CANNOT force anything at this point. In all honesty, if you decide that your M is worth saving, IMHO, DB/DR (or its close variants) are likely the only effective techniques at this point. Look at it this way. Do you actually believe that you, or anyone else has the power to stop the feelings that your W is having? In my sitch, I know a few things. Mainly, no matter what it is that I do, I cannot stop my W from feeling the way that she does. She has to see herself through this in HER own way. Do I have to like it? No. Do I have to endure it? No, but its my choice to stick with it and I do so for a couple of reasons. Number one, I love my W very much and I value the committment to my M and to my family. Secondly, I want her to ultimately make the choice to be with me on her own accord. I don't want "forced" love or love out of obligation. She has to want this is as well. In your sitch, by forcing the issue you will likely end up either pushing her away completely, or forcing her to stay "committed" to you at the expense of her "feelings." Not a recipe for a healthy relationship.
Hey, we all want the A to end or to have never happened in the first place. But unfortunately, it is there. As GH noted, the A is exactly the problem, only a symptom of something larger missing in the R. You are correct, the A does stand in the way of fostering any constructive progress in the M, no doubt about it. As long as it continues, you truly can't have any growth in your R. Unfortunately, though, you have to work letting her get to the point that ending the A is something she wants to do before you can work on your R.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
