The Power Struggle

[MuddleThrough]

Hello - this is my first post. Hope someone can help me out. My wife has been having an emotional affair with my cousin since the beginning of the year. We are in America, he is in Europe. We have a 3 and a half year old son. My wife has been open and honest since the affair started, so there hasn't been the huge amount of deception that usually accompanies affairs. We have acheived a sort of stalemate. My wife is rationalizing her feelings and looking at our marriage as bad, and has been talking about ending it - something that never came up before the affair.

In my effort to cope with the pain, I have done a great deal of reading up on affairs to try and understand what is going on. All reason and logic is lost on my wife, who seems to on one hand recognize the futulity of the affair, but who is convinced that she can't/won't give it up. We have started marriage counseling - I beleive my wife's goal here is to get validation from the counselor that our problems necessitate ending our marriage, although I have no doubt that they can be solved. I have tried to focus on finding happiness in my life apart from the marriage, and have tried to change my behavior in the marriage to make our interaction better. There is no question that things have changed, but the affair is still ongoing and my wife has not shown me any intimacy. It seems to me that she is trying to make things comfortable enough to have a decent life with me (as more of a friend than anything else) meanwhile continuing the affair. I am starting to get to my wits end because any conversation about the affair is viewed as confrontational and sparks an argument. I have surprised myself with the amount of self-control I have in the heat of these arguments, and I have been able to see through her abusive behaviour. It is clearly how she is coping with her guilt and confusion. I want more than anything to save this marriage, both for our son's sake and for ours, because I know that our relationship is special and unique, and it's clear to me that the resentment my wife holds against me (a great deal of which is not attributable to me) is killing our intimacy and her attraction to me. I am trying to get an understanding of what portion of that resentment is in my power to change, but this is not easy. I feel that it may take some drastic measure to change my wife's perspective on the situation, like me moving out and stopping all contact with her.

Anyone have any ideas?

[Iamstuck]

I am going through a somewhat similar, but not really similar situation. I talked to my two friends that had the same problems and gave me following advice. One of them had this issue going on for 3-4years and the other got divorced. I hope these helps:
1. no point in arguing. At this stage, she is very confused and don't know what to do either. Don't argue with her over this issue, and don't even mention. It's just like my H. Because I had argued with him twice on this issue, he is now extra sensitive and would take everything as attacking him and intruding his privacy. Even if your intention is to care for her, she just won't respond in a positive way but interpret it negatively.
2. you need to know if you want to keep this marriage or not and think about what is your bottom line. If you want to keep this marriage, then do not leave at all. It will be tough and hard, especailly emotionally. If you decided to keep this marriage, start planning things on your own as if without her. Do things on your own or go out with friends, share your emotions with friends. This is a situation where we can do nothing about their behavior. The only thing we can do is be patient. Don't nag and don't push. The more you push and the more she will turn away. But it doesn't mean you don't show her any care. YOu show your concern, but to the point only.
3. At this stage, don't expect you can have intimacy with her at all. I gave up and start concentrate on working my own problems. I thought of moving out, but not anymore.
4. The turning point for one of my friends is when she lets go and let him do whatever he wants. This is when he started to come back and care for her.
5. If you are a church goer, pray.
I absolutely understand how you feel and how helpless you are in such situation. I truly can feel for you. I hope these help.

[RBinBR]

Muddle,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. My W also wanted to end her A, but was unable to do so. I think many people do not understand that affairs are addictive and are just as hard to break as if the person were on crack.

I feel that it may take some drastic measure to change my wife's perspective on the situation, like me moving out and stopping all contact with her.

That's something that's very drastic and could very well end your marriage. I think you have several things you could try before you get to that point (and I write that as someone who kicked his W out).

First of all, have you read Divorce Remedy?

[grasshopper]

Muddle,

Sorry to meet you like that. Sans the long distance part, your sitch sounds a LOT like mine, and your W's actions/reactions are almost identical. I think it's more than just our sitches that are similar, really, all of them share a lot of the same traits.
What struck me is the idea you have that your W is doing just enough to make thing comfortable for you two to live together but not really being a "wife". My W has done the same thing. If you read my sitch (all the links are in the first post of my latest thread...look for my screen name on the first page) you'll see that it has caused me a lot of confusion, especially lately.

It sounds like you have been doing the right things in terms of GAL and making improvements. Just know that you are right to think you W is not unique in what she is doing. If you read my thread, Frank's old ones here (Frank_D), Mamabear, PArob and Tim's thread (forgot his full screen name, search for "hit the wall"), you will find people who have been going through similar situations. I know we don't really have all the answers but you WILL find some really good advice both as you post, and from other's threads.

I wish you luck and I will post more as needed.

GH

[Donlee]

Sounds like you are doing alot of things right here. Did I read this right, the EA is with your cousin? That's unique, I will leave it at that. Has your cousin ever said anything to you about this?

[Free_To_Be_]

Let me get in the line of people and affairs and how addictive they are: Not in line for myself, but for my STBX. She absolutely can't kick the habit--she gets such a high from it--lives every minute for the next encounter.

Watching her get ready to leave on a trip was always a very scary thing: she looked exactly like a lifer-druggie anticipating the next high, the next hit, whatever.

It really is scary how addicted they are, and it's even scarier what they're addicted to, especially when they lie about their addictions and their whereabouts and you only find out later what they've been up to.

Yeah, very scary stuff,

Free

[MuddleThrough]

Thank you all for the welcome. I have read Divorce Busting and found it to be very interesting and useful, unfortunately it is very clear to me that the techniques are not very useful while the affair is ongoing, and I don't know how much longer I can grin and bear it while she keeps it going. We started marriage counseling, but she is there only for me, so there's little chance that she'll take it seriously or actively participate in it. I have told my aunt and uncle and my wife's parents about it in an effort to put some pressure on them, and there is no doubt in my mind that this took them out of the honeymoon stage, but they are still at it, and still in la-la land.

I have no doubt that this affair stands in the way of making any sort of constructive progress in our marriage - which leads me to want to try anything in my power to bring the affair to an end. Anyone have any ideas?

[grasshopper]

I have read Divorce Busting and found it to be very interesting and useful, unfortunately it is very clear to me that the techniques are not very useful while the affair is ongoing, and I don't know how much longer I can grin and bear it while she keeps it going.

Really? What makes it very clear that the techniques, WHEN applied properly, are not useful?

Secondly, why do you have to grin and bear it? Do you think you can force her to stop? If you do, then what? Can you force her to want to be with you again?

have told my aunt and uncle and my wife's parents about it in an effort to put some pressure on them, and there is no doubt in my mind that this took them out of the honeymoon stage, but they are still at it, and still in la-la land.

I assume by this action you are not practicing DBing? Clearly telling these people could just as well, and more likely than not, alienate her further and give her MORE reason to continue, not less. These people have NO clue what you are going through and their advice could be...well, who knows what it could be.

You are trying to force her hand, plain and simple and that is totally against the spirit of DBing. You said you didn't think DBing worked. Are you trying to make it work or is that based on other people's threads?

I have no doubt that this affair stands in the way of making any sort of constructive progress in our marriage - which leads me to want to try anything in my power to bring the affair to an end. Anyone have any ideas?

Um, usually it isn't about the affair. That is a symptom, not the entire problem. Sure, it's preventing progress, but it's not the only thing. How about addressing whatever else led to this? How about working on what you CAN control, YOU and stop trying to control her? You can't do it, period.

I think there is great hope for you, but if you reject the ideas supported by this site then it will be hard to practice them.

GH

[PArob]

Really sound advice from GH here, and I will only echo some of his comments in the hopes that they will be driven home. The main idea: you, and you alone CANNOT force anything at this point. In all honesty, if you decide that your M is worth saving, IMHO, DB/DR (or its close variants) are likely the only effective techniques at this point. Look at it this way. Do you actually believe that you, or anyone else has the power to stop the feelings that your W is having? In my sitch, I know a few things. Mainly, no matter what it is that I do, I cannot stop my W from feeling the way that she does. She has to see herself through this in HER own way. Do I have to like it? No. Do I have to endure it? No, but its my choice to stick with it and I do so for a couple of reasons. Number one, I love my W very much and I value the committment to my M and to my family. Secondly, I want her to ultimately make the choice to be with me on her own accord. I don't want "forced" love or love out of obligation. She has to want this is as well. In your sitch, by forcing the issue you will likely end up either pushing her away completely, or forcing her to stay "committed" to you at the expense of her "feelings." Not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Hey, we all want the A to end or to have never happened in the first place. But unfortunately, it is there. As GH noted, the A is exactly the problem, only a symptom of something larger missing in the R. You are correct, the A does stand in the way of fostering any constructive progress in the M, no doubt about it. As long as it continues, you truly can't have any growth in your R. Unfortunately, though, you have to work letting her get to the point that ending the A is something she wants to do before you can work on your R.

[MuddleThrough]

Thank you for your response. Grasshopper, I think you misread in my post that I reject the DB principles - this is not that case. I have to admit that I have only just read Divorce Busting in the past week, week and a half, and I absolutely agree that the techniques are effective and useful, as I have seen some results from my application of them - that's why I'm here. However, there is little to no discussion about how to effectively change the dynamic of a relationship whose structure has been drastically altered by the addition of a third party.

I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do to force an end to the affair, rather I feel that a certain amount of pressure can and should be applied in order to expose the weakness of the affair relationship and help it to fail on its own. Because affairs thrive on secrecy, as it helps create and sustain the feelings experienced, exposure helps those involved to see themselves in a different light. It might create a backlash - causing some alienation - but in my experience this was very short-lived. My wife would rather have my close friendship and support AND continue the affair than alienate me in order to maintain the affair, which is unacceptable to me. This exactly why I named this thread what I did.

My approach for the 3 months that this has been going on HAS been to explore my contribution to the deficient state of our marriage and lives, and to see what I can change in myself and our interactions to improve this. I have taken responsibility for what I own, and I have done what I can do to change it. Unfortunately, the byproduct of an affair is the rationalizing and justifying that is done by someone involved, and this is damaging to the dynamic as well. I think I have done very well in taking fuel for the justifications out of the present, as our interactions are much better now, and there is little for my wife to blame me for now. However, a guilty conscience is always looking for something to place blame on, so there is no way to protect against this completely.
I agree that an affair is a symptom of problems in a relationship. This does not change the fact that it is also a product of the bad judgement of the spouse involved. But the fact is that it becomes a problem of its own, breaking the relationship down even further. Should I ignore it, work on what I can and just wait for it to end? Clearly, my wife is enjoying having two men that love her. Do you think she'll come to her senses and stop on her own?

I am composing an email to send to the both of them with copies to their parents calling for them to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and for them to state their positions on several points (involving responsibility). Do you see this as an attempt to control my wife? I don't. But I also think that preserving my self respect as well as my respect for my wife is important, and I don't think that I can do this while enabling it. Do you think this a bad idea?

If anyone can point me to some reading on the DB approach to affairs and how to deal with them I would appreciate it.