Happy, what a tough sitch you are in. They guys have given you good, logical advice. Here's a woman's take:
I agree: go to therapy. But here's the diff: you should first go by yourself. And tell your W that you are going by yourself because you feel that you have not been sympathetic enough with her, and have not been able to understand her and where she has come from. You are going by yourself to learn how to care for her more and how to love her more in a way that she will find meaningful.
Tell her that at some point down the road, you may invite her to come with you TO HELP YOU.
And then go.
She is one very troubled person. That thing about eating in her room alone-- yikes. I can feel the self-loathing from here.
And every time you say or imply that YOU came from a loving and stable home and all YOU want to do is establish that because it's BETTER than where she came from, her self-loathing increases exponentially. I'm not saying that you're wrong; you're right. She knows you're right. She doesn't need to be reminded that you're right. God, she is hurting sooo bad. She feels your judgment cutting through her like a knife. And when you say you CAN'T understand her-- well that's why you should go to therapy, to LEARN to understand her. She's your W, your flesh and blood, your soulmate, partner in life... if she can't share her pain with you, who can she share it with?
Yes her life was bad, and we wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it made her the woman you fell in love with. She has tremendous survival skills that drew to her a man who can give her the life she probably craved all of her childhood and beyond.
Yeah, on the surface she expresses contempt for it, because if she agrees that that is what she wants, her contempt for herself will go off the chart. What she needs is a way to be Herself and to be the Partner you want (and the Partner she wants to be) AT THE SAME TIME.
I remember one time feeding a stray cat on my porch. That cat was so hungry, he came to the food bowl and was just gobbling down the food. I petted him while he was eating, and he growled as he swallowed the food. That's how I see her. She wants to accept what you are offering without totally erasing and invalidating herself. She growls to protect her identity and to fend off your judgment.
Since you're the one who's posting, I'm saying to you to stop pushing and start trying to understand and accept her. And you will certainly need outside help to do this. That's my advice.
