We can't spend every waking minute of our day trying to get our partner to notice us and treat us with kindness and courtesy. We shouldn't need to. Kindness, courtesy, and making each other's life easier, say, 91.4% of the time SHOULD be a given.
But if a person treats you like crap a lot of the time, and the only way you can get them to be civil is to threaten bodily harm or the withdrawal of something they want-- no one should have to live that way.
What the boundary setting thing does is clear out the dust, smoke, flying debris so you can see where the commotion is truly coming from.
With two grown-up people who love each other and are capable of being civil, the boundaries should be lightly drawn chalk lines on the ground, not coils of razor wire. If they NEED to be the latter, something's wrong with the Big Picture.
Couldn't have said it better myself Lil. So true. I person can say they love you til they are blue in the face but if you are constantly struggling in the R/M for just a bit of respect, civility, etc, ...is it really a workable R? Like I said to HeatherG, it is impossible to start with a clean slate in a long-term R/M. If some MAJOR factors like respect are missing from the beginning...you have to wonder what made these two individual's come together in the first place. The sex issue is certainly a big piece as well, but I think respect and a basis of a true friendship are critical.
