Quote: H will not tolerate statements that give an 'or else' type of consequence. He'll belittle it right from the start, thus invalidating it and taking the power away from it unless I am ready to act on it that very second.
The "or else" doesn't have to be of atomic war proportions. You don't have to be prepared to walk out the door never to come back.
For example, when my bf was drinking, my "or else" at first was along the lines of "when you open your second six-pack, I'm going to bed." My Or Else was that I would not stay in the room with him when he was drinking.
Later after his heart surgery, I knew I couldn't ever be around him again when he was drinking, so my Or Else became stronger: "I can't be under the same roof with you and alcohol ever again." As a matter of fact, he never tested me on that one, but if he had brought alcohol into the house, I would have gone to my house. Since you both live at the same address, you would have to figure out something else.
We had an extensive convo on boundary setting on this board several months ago. It was me, Cobra, Corrie and a few others. It was great and really helped us pin down this elusive concept. Anyone (cobra?) who remembers the details of that, please jump in.
Boundary setting is about YOUR behavior. It is not about making the other person do something. It is not about threatening them with dire consequences to THEM unless they do what you want. It can in fact work that way, but that is not the primary intent. It is sometimes a side effect.
The primary intent is to state clearly what you will and won't do under certain circumstances. If the other person chooses to interpret that as control, pressure, threats, well, let them. That is something you CANNOT control.
On the turning the TV down example, you can request that your H turn down the TV so you can sleep. You have to recognize that he does not have to do what you want. So you have to figure out some way to get some sleep. Get earplugs, sleep far away in another part of the house. It is not "setting a boundary" to tell him "do this or else."
The next morning, you can ask him to take the kids to school, and if he doesn't, then you'll have to do it. Someone has to be the grownup. You must stop the power struggle. You can request something, and then if he doesn't do it, you can leave, do it some other way, do it yourself, leave it undone. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING. All you can do is act on your own behalf and the children's behalf when necessary.
Heather, you do have a chip on your shoulder, and I'm not saying it isn't justified-- it probably is. But it's getting in the way of your serenity and peace of mind.
I want you to get this picture in your mind: Your husband is standing down in a pit, a pit where people wrestle. You're up one level behind a railing on a mezzanine that runs around the pit. He stands down there and motions to you, "Come on down here and get into it with me! I know you want to! You can't walk away, can you? I know exactly how to get to you!" But you just stand there and look at him. You notice the knot in your stomach, the clenched hands, the sweat beading on your upper lip, maybe even the beginning of a headache. But you do NOT jump in that pit with him. You walk away and do the dishes, pick up the kids, run the errands, whatever needs doing in your life. THAT is self-care and self-nurture.
Remember, when you are so concerned about reacting to him, pleasing him, trying to get through to him-- when all of your thoughts are about him, who is there for YOU? The answer is NO ONE. You're like a little kid who was forgotten at the mall or at the grocery store because the parents were so busy fighting. When we are so focused on someone else, we abandon ourselves. And you must not ever abandon yourself. You must be able to count on yourself to put your welfare at the highest level of priority. If you don't, who will?
I would highly recommend you attend alanon for a while. It's free and there you will hear stories about people taking care of themselves, finding inner peace, disengaging from their partners' destructive behavior. You never have to say a word; you can just listen.
You need to start making self-respect and inner peace high priorities with you, and remove yourself from conversations and threaten your peace of mind. You do not have to jump in that pit. Jumping in there will not change his mind and it will not bring you closer to where you want to be in this R.
