Maybe in my case, it would be making what I want known, rather than actually doing it?
Exactly. This is key. When I talk about initiating every day, I really mean sharing the fact that you are "wanting some lovin'". it doesn't have to be anything dramatic...just a simple "wow...i'm feeling frisky". If there response is "oh...I'm sorry, I'm tired/sick/not horny/etc" then fine. But if they give you an eyeroll and try to make you feel like a loser for asking, then bust their a$$.
I don't know your story but the principles are universal. A spouse who doesn't want you to express how you feel or wants to make you feel bad for not reading their mind needs to be stood up to. It's no different than being bullied.
Here's a dialog between a HDW and an LDW....
HDW: I'm feeling a bit frisky for ya... LDM: (some negative response) HDW: Why give me crap for sharing how I feel...I just said I wanted you, take it as a compliment. LDM: Well, you are always are pressuring me for S HDW: I'm not pressuring you, I'm telling you how I feel. How does that 'pressure' you? LDM: I don't know. I just don't want it as much as you. HDW: But you want me to be responsible for guessing when you do? LDM: uh... HDW: here's the deal...if you are in the mood, great. If not, tell me nicely that you aren't up for it..and I'll be cool with that. But trying to make it *my* job & responsibility to guess when you are in the mood...that's being a weak, selfish a-hole. Be a man, learn to say "I'm flattered but no thanks".
If he responded nicely like that every day, you would have no problem being rejected every day. He'd see the depth of your "desire" which would put him into his crucible. Remember, a crucible isn't about verbally beating him in a conversation...it's about his acknowldgement of you as someone who refuses to play into his system of weaknesses.
Remember, your spouse is an individual with no obligation to you. You are each silos of different feelings and emotions. Neither has more or less rights or freedom than the other. As you establish yourself into that role and protect it with a convo like the one above, you move toward the differentiation that Schnarch talks about.
Can this shake your house down? Absolutely. Schnarch isn't like MWD with "avoid D at all costs"...he understands that in some cases, a M just won't work. But if having a D arises from you becoming more differentiated, then you will be able to split with pretty clear conscious. Plus you will be better equipped in the next R. Yah. It would suck to be single and comprimising yourself to stay married is your choice...your crucible.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
