What Happened with the Schnarch Movement???

[heatherg]

That is the core problem. He has firm boundaries (whether right or not) and you don't.

I honestly don't know. The first I've ever thought about 'boundaries' was when I first came to this BB. I know I have always been extremely sensitive to H's behaviors....if he didn't like something I did and ignored me for instance, I reacted out of fear. Fear that I'd disappointed him and that I was a crappy person. I would apologize even if I didn't think what I had done was so bad. If he didn't answer my phone calls, I would keep calling him. He had total control over me because losing his approval has been so scary to me. I made it so easy.

Why are you so scared emotionally to stand up for yourself and your needs?

I'm not sure why I don't feel comfortable stating things simply and clearly and matter of factly....it somehow feels arrogant to me. And I tend to change my mind too...when things are going well between H and I, I will not enforce something I've said because I don't want to 'strain' things by bringing up a situation that was unpleasant when we are doing well. Overall, H's emotional intensity is very intimidating to me and I guess I will avoid having to deal with it at all costs. That can't be good, huh?

Stop depending on other people to determine how you feel about yourself. Read the chapter in Schnarch about differentiation again, and asl the chapter on Hugging Till Relaxed. You are leaning on your H for your own sense of comfort. When he shifts position, you are upset. He has a right to shift. How you respond is your business.

I'm only on page 76 of Passionate Marriage. I know I do care way too much about what others think, I am definitely an approval seeker, particularly where H is concerned. I'm competitive, I want to be the best. But 'the best' can be a moving target when you care so much about what others think. I need to define 'the best' for myself and then live by it.

But that also means you must be willing to enforce the “or else.” Do you state an “or else” when you set a boundary in the first place? If not, then it isn’t a boundary, it’s just a hollow threat.

H will not tolerate statements that give an 'or else' type of consequence. He'll belittle it right from the start, thus invalidating it and taking the power away from it unless I am ready to act on it that very second. It makes it very difficult to say 'or else' because chances are, I'll have to implement the 'or else'. Plus he can always 'one up' my or else and make things harder for me in some other way. For instance, if I were to tell H to turn the tv down so I can sleep or else I will have to ask him to take the kids to daycare in the morning, he'll say 'whatever' and then just flat out refuse to take the kids in the morning. And what can I do about it? A version of this actually happened in our M and it ended up with an absolutely ridiculous power struggle where we both actually left our home and left our kids sitting on the couch in the living room. Naturally, I just went around the block and came home. Our kids are 3 and 5....what else could I do??? So that's how 'or else' statements work in our house. They don't.