Because, doing these things wouldn't make me happy. It's having H *accept* me doing these things that would make me happy.
This is the heart of your problem. Stop depending on other people to determine how you feel about yourself. Read the chapter in Schnarch about differentiation again, and asl the chapter on Hugging Till Relaxed. You are leaning on your H for your own sense of comfort. When he shifts position, you are upset. He has a right to shift. How you respond is your business.
Maybe in my case, it would be making what I want known, rather than actually doing it?
That is a good start. It gives him the option of choosing. But you need to be able to accept his decision either way without feeling like it is a rejection of you.
It sounds ridiculous to say, but I'm scared to do it. Not scared he's going to hit me or anything like that. Just emotionally scared.
I don’t find that ridiculous at all. But it is something you must settle within yourself so it doesn’t haunt you any more. Bring up this fear issue with your counselor. Then learn that holding to your boundaries will not end in disaster.
He will challenge you, especially if he senses your fear. Then he knows that all he needs to do is press a little harder until you break. If he sees resolve in your eyes and knows that you mean business, he will learn not to challenge your boundaries. But that also means you must be willing to enforce the “or else.” Do you state an “or else” when you set a boundary in the first place? If not, then it isn’t a boundary, it’s just a hollow threat.
