Sorry again for being a tool. It's late here and I'm a bit crusty.
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My point was that a nuthin-but-schnarch approach leaves the HDW in a bit of a bind. I was asking for advice and, as such, phrased my thoughts in a much more nicey nice way than I cared to.
I think mojo did a good job answering it - compartmentalization and addressing each need with a different strategy.
See, sex used to fix all my needs - touch, anxiety control, stress-release, desire, and the actual need for sex. Compartmentalizing my needs has allowed me to address each one with or without my W. In the end, I only want sex with her about 3 times a month rather than a couple times a week. Touch and stress-release was a biggie and I've solved it with massage twice a week. It's not a sexual thing (especially when the guys do it). Anxiety control has been addressed with a combination of things - cognitive approaches (nip it in the bud) combined with meditation and breathing. MB helps a bit too. Now, if she wasn't such a willing participant, I might be inclined to (with permission) seek the sex part elsewhere...even my W says "sex is sex and love is love". She'd be really easy to cheat on if she wasn't so damn nice all the time. ;-).
Honey, can you break down what you get from the sexual dynmics of your M? Can you outsource anything? That might be a hard question to answer because I didn't realize how much having "human touch" could change my desire. It might take trial and error.
Is there any other type of activity you could involve yourself in besides hanging out here and dwelling on your situation? I would love to pop back onto the board in 6 months and not see a single post from honeypot. IMHO, I don't think your problems are that big of a deal. You seem to both be committed and reasonably peaceful. It's the same here...good chemistry and a peaceful environment. But just like my W might never have a drive, your H might not either.
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The problem is that no one wants to be the sexually dominant one in my R--I thought that was obvious!
If you are committed to your H and want the marriage to work out, then this problem is as big as you want to make it. Under a microscope, I could easily paint my R into a pretty dismal state. The difference is that I choose not to dwell on the negatives. This site is really dangerous because I've caught myself starting to scrutinize my R as I dig for ideas.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: It occurs to me after reading your post that there is another way in which the desire issue is different for HDW as opposed to HDM. If instead of regarding the lack of desire as an insult, you regard the presence of desire as a compliment, most reasonably attractive HDW get compliments from men who are not their husbands quite frequently. This sexual market disequilibrium can be quite unsettling and is probably the reason why,according to survey statistics, marriages in which the W is the HD spouse are much more likely to fail than marriages in which the M is the HD spouse.
I believe it. I know I come off as HD but I also travel on business, and go into modes where I work continuously....I might have trouble with a spouse who expected me to initiate in sync with their desires and get it right enough of the time.
That was one critical point of my C...the "in sync" part. It's highly unlikey that any of us will ever be in sync - though I'm fairly quick to get in sync when W is in the mood. ;-). Her point is that you have to let your partner know you are horney.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
This is powerful stuff. The bell rings loundly on the compartmentalizing statement.
Quote: See, sex used to fix all my needs - touch, anxiety control, stress-release, desire, and the actual need for sex. Compartmentalizing my needs has allowed me to address each one with or without my W. In the end, I only want sex with her about 3 times a month rather than a couple times a week. Touch and stress-release was a biggie and I've solved it with massage twice a week. It's not a sexual thing (especially when the guys do it). Anxiety control has been addressed with a combination of things - cognitive approaches (nip it in the bud) combined with meditation and breathing. MB helps a bit too. Now, if she wasn't such a willing participant, I might be inclined to (with permission) seek the sex part elsewhere...even my W says "sex is sex and love is love". She'd be really easy to cheat on if she wasn't so damn nice all the time. ;-).
I could have worte this verbatim. This is where my hang ups are! My primary LL is physical touch. I seek this to be satisfied by my W, who is willing to oblige but in a non willing or rather limited mode. So I jump into the ring and wave the red flag seeking more to meet my need. Large need, small amount = more small amounts to meet large need.
So I need to look at oursourcing (love that term) and get some of the other small amounts taken care of so her small amounts top off the tank per se.
Wonderful and elightening post. In this approach I can see my W's efforts of 1 x per week for sex (2 if I push, but I would have little need to push) being enough to meet the rest of my needs and in turn relieve the pressure for her to be "on" at all times in our relationship. It will create space for her and a more relaxed environment!
Brilliant.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Quote: I think mojo did a good job answering it - compartmentalization and addressing each need with a different strategy.
See, sex used to fix all my needs - touch, anxiety control, stress-release, desire, and the actual need for sex. Compartmentalizing my needs has allowed me to address each one with or without my W. In the end, I only want sex with her about 3 times a month rather than a couple times a week. Touch and stress-release was a biggie and I've solved it with massage twice a week. It's not a sexual thing (especially when the guys do it). Anxiety control has been addressed with a combination of things - cognitive approaches (nip it in the bud) combined with meditation and breathing. MB helps a bit too.
Dave,
This was good -- thanks. I'm thinking of maybe looking into massage as a tool for me, and you brought up some good thoughts there.
you ought load up the boat, pack your cancer sticks and spitoons and head on over here for a couple years....give that DD4 some perspective on her heritage. We've got a number of friends who have done that. Nimen chu Zhongguo.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Man, what a tempting setup! But I’ll just let it lie….
LOL. My HD sister and I were talking just the other day about how we do feel rather sorry for the poor guys who have to meet our HD demands sometimes. My sister is even worse off than me since she is much more kinky. I just comfort myself by thinking about a quote I read in some book about sex in which a HD guy is talking about his HD girlfriend's drive, "She drives me totally nuts sometimes but I'll never give her up!".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
