What Happened with the Schnarch Movement???

[NotATLDave]

Sorry again for being a tool. It's late here and I'm a bit crusty.

My point was that a nuthin-but-schnarch approach leaves the HDW in a bit of a bind. I was asking for advice and, as such, phrased my thoughts in a much more nicey nice way than I cared to.

I think mojo did a good job answering it - compartmentalization and addressing each need with a different strategy.

See, sex used to fix all my needs - touch, anxiety control, stress-release, desire, and the actual need for sex. Compartmentalizing my needs has allowed me to address each one with or without my W. In the end, I only want sex with her about 3 times a month rather than a couple times a week. Touch and stress-release was a biggie and I've solved it with massage twice a week. It's not a sexual thing (especially when the guys do it). Anxiety control has been addressed with a combination of things - cognitive approaches (nip it in the bud) combined with meditation and breathing. MB helps a bit too. Now, if she wasn't such a willing participant, I might be inclined to (with permission) seek the sex part elsewhere...even my W says "sex is sex and love is love". She'd be really easy to cheat on if she wasn't so damn nice all the time. ;-).

Honey, can you break down what you get from the sexual dynmics of your M? Can you outsource anything? That might be a hard question to answer because I didn't realize how much having "human touch" could change my desire. It might take trial and error.

Is there any other type of activity you could involve yourself in besides hanging out here and dwelling on your situation? I would love to pop back onto the board in 6 months and not see a single post from honeypot. IMHO, I don't think your problems are that big of a deal. You seem to both be committed and reasonably peaceful. It's the same here...good chemistry and a peaceful environment. But just like my W might never have a drive, your H might not either.

The problem is that no one wants to be the sexually dominant one in my R--I thought that was obvious!

If you are committed to your H and want the marriage to work out, then this problem is as big as you want to make it. Under a microscope, I could easily paint my R into a pretty dismal state. The difference is that I choose not to dwell on the negatives. This site is really dangerous because I've caught myself starting to scrutinize my R as I dig for ideas.