Perhaps. But it's based on a comment from my H that went something like this: "I don't want you to initiate all the time."
Quote: I may be going out on a limb, but the issue is probably less about how *they* actually respond and more about *your* need to believe that they are the big "virile man".
Actually, I think both are true. It's true that I want to think of my H as a virile man--because I'm not all that attracted to an effeminate, libido-less man--but it's also true that my H wants to think of himself this way. No man wants to feel emasculated by his woman, I think we'd all agree with that.
Quote: Your avoidance of a dominant role means that you are creating somewhat of an artificial reality.
Can you explain this? I don't know what you mean. I can tell you that adopting the sexually dominant role is what would feel artificial to me, and perhaps to most women. I think Jenny and I are closest to being true female sexual aggressors and even we don't *prefer* it that way, as a matter of course.
...But the above state that you describe, I must say, holds absolutely no appeal to me.
This is a "sex-starved marriage" board, and most of us found it by looking for resources to help us have more, and more satisfying, sex in our marriages -- particularly ones with clashing libidos.
I wanted that too.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Your self confidence that comes from this will make you not really care if you are "desired".
Is this really possible? Can a person be happy in a passionless marriage? How can there be passion when there is no desire? And isn't the lack of desire effectively a huge insult to the one that is not desired? Think of it this way, would it make a very LD women happy to have her husband completely stop desiring her?
Can you explain this? I don't know what you mean. I can tell you that adopting the sexually dominant role is what would feel artificial to me
Then what's the problem in your R?
You might discover that he's everything you ever feared and you might discover that, when you are you, you aren't terribly attracted to your husband. I hate to say that but that's at least a starting point. Schnarch even discusses a case where the woman says she really isn't that attracted to her husband after all. That's the risk Corri was talking about. Pulling back the curtain and reveal the wizard. Trust me, when you put all cards on the table, you will start working through ways to make it work.
I went through the same process and discovered that I'm not totally attracted to my W in terms of the things I find attractive/intriguing in other women. But I also value her for so many other things and our compatibility is steller. She's worth the investment and like I said in an earlier post, I'm having some "moments" where she's really attractive to me. If this continues, we will be bulletproof...but right now, I'm still a bit cautious...it feels like a rebound R.
Quote: ...I think we'd all agree with that.
Quote: ...and perhaps to most women
I value *your* opinion when you speak to me. I don't need reinforcement. Like Schnarch said...always speak from the *i*. You will sound much more confident.
Sorry honey, I feel like I was really hard on you this time. I'm about to disappear soon - that's why I'm pulling out my big guns.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Dave, My point was that a nuthin-but-schnarch approach leaves the HDW in a bit of a bind. I was asking for advice and, as such, phrased my thoughts in a much more nicey nice way than I cared to.
Quote: Then what's the problem in your R?
The problem is that no one wants to be the sexually dominant one in my R--I thought that was obvious!
Quote: Can you explain this? I don't know what you mean. I can tell you that adopting the sexually dominant role is what would feel artificial to me, and perhaps to most women. I think Jenny and I are closest to being true female sexual aggressors and even we don't *prefer* it that way, as a matter of course.
I think I'm finally figuring out the solution to this problem now that I learned from the experience of not initiating for many monthes and have resumed initiating this week. If YOU are feeling horny and wanting sex or even if you are just wanting to feel horny and anticipate sex then you have to do just what Dave recommended whether you are a man or a woman. However, if you are a woman or a man who is most interested in feeling desire from your spouse or getting a dominant vibe from them in the encounter then you have to figure out how to give them the space that they need in order to feel that desire by doing whatever possible to hold your own desire in check. Unfortunately, in some situations the LD spouse truly never feels desire no matter what the circumstances and in other situations the LD spouse is unable to experience desire until the point that the HD spouse is about to walk out the door or into somebody elses bed. However, the fact that your spouse responds best to negative motivation is not your fault anymore than it would be your fault if your spouse was more turned on by a slap than a gentle caress.
In my sich, now that I've successfully returned to initiating, I know that if I want to see desire from my H all I have to do is spend a couple weeks, at most, acting as though I'm perfectly happy not to see any signs of desire from my H. If I do this, he'll start worrying about why/how his horny wife is able to go so long without and get a big, old jealousy hard-on. So all I have to do in order to see desire from my H is get over my feeling that it isn't "nice" to play in this way. However, it isn't my fault that he isn't able to feel desire in response to more positive behavior from me so I shouldn't feel guilty.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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