What Happened with the Schnarch Movement???

[NotATLDave]

Hey Cobra,

I really appreciate your sincerity and respect your efforts. Everyone's situation is different.

The best thing that happened to us came from counseling and it had nothing to do with sex. It was about communication and we discovered that we both had a bad habit of assuming that we were being heard and understood. Turns out we are terrible about assuming that others know what's in our mind. The reflexive listenening mode really helps...when a conversation starts to get emotional, it's usually because we aren't being understood. Asking "do you understand what I just said?" doesn't work because they did, in their mind, understand what you just said. You have to repeat back what you heard and ask them to repeat back what they heard.

Promise each other that when an argument happens, that you have a signal for going into "reflexive" mode.

Again, this might not be the fix but it helped us because our C saw our "system" and recognized it. I feel really lucky that we found a good C.

I had another question I meant to include… Sometimes I think it is difficult for us Schnarch newbies to identify the real issue at hand, to see what truly should be placed into the crucible.

What I finally discovered was that it doesn't take that much thought or intellect. It's a simple matter of becoming more like a cave-man and asking for what you want when you want it.

I want to discuss another major personality flaw which plays into relationships (not limited to marriages). It's the punshment of others for not reading your mind. I used to be very guilty of this. My mother-in-law would always offer me coffee despite telling her every time that I don't drink coffee. I got to the point where I would almost get angry when she offered and I'd go to lengths to explain how I've never had more than a couple drops of coffee in my mouth etc. - trying to train her to be a part of my system so I wouldn't have to say "no thank you" to her. The truth is, I hate to say no to people or reject generous offers. My mom is the worst about wanting me to be a mind-reader...she's called me an "insensitive sh..head" when I asked her why she was crying...I was just reaching out but I got in trouble for not knowing why she was sad.

Schnarch talks alot about this type of system. It's something that both partners need to be aware of. Asking to have sex should be seen as a bid to connect and should be responded to with a gracious "no thank you" (well, better would be ok yah baby!).

My mother-in-law was being nice and generous and I was being an a-hole. I now respond accordingly with a sincere "no thank you, but thanks for the offer" and have stopped my crabby mind from thinking "what a moron". Life is a million times happier when you hit the reset button each time you encounter someone and pretend you are meeting them for the first time. Comes back to living in the moment.


Like my mother in law, you shouldn't modify your desire to offer (or ask for) something just because theirs a past pattern of rejection. I might someday discover that coffee is the greatest thing since sliced bread and be thrilled when she makes the offer.

These are just some of my "highlight thoughts" that I still carry with me. I'm just trying to do a brain dump so that maybe something sticks and helps.