What Happened with the Schnarch Movement???

[NotATLDave]

So she seemed to respond well to your changes and growth. I know there was a “learning curve” for her, as she adjusted to the new you, but you also seemed to put in a LOT of time and thought analyzing everything that happened to prevent mistakes and follow up on successes. Is my interpretation correct?

Actually, my perception is that she changed or grew very little. Just 2 changes...1. She's very respectful of my initiation and rejects appropriately. 2. She doesn't say no very often. It's no difference to her whether we have sex a few times a week or a few times year...so it's up to me to ask. Sure I'd love more initatiation from her but at the end of the day, she is who she is and I am who I am.

Now, living abroad has contributed to her growth in much greater ways that all the crap I put her through in the past. With her growth, I'm seeing her in a new light as someone who accepts adventure and can handle adversity with grace (trust me..this place is adverse). I used to complain about how timid and scared she was and she's really cleaning up now. If you read between the lines of my old posts, you probably noticed that I struggle with my feelings towards her. I think a lot of the folks here struggle with that. I saw her as a frightened, immature child but she's becoming much braver in the big scary world which is casting a good light on her (for me). So this is something I intend to repeat.

I think everyone on this board should consider a major change in their domestic situation...turn your world upside down, shake it up and see what happens. You don't grow muscles by lifting a bar with no wieght on it.

Some of us seem to have spouses who are more resistant to growth than your wife. I have the impression that little progress will be made in without applying a certain amount of pressure, “rattling the cage” as Corri puts it. Do you have any insights here?

In my sitch, I could have avoided a lot of stress had I known what to do. It might have taken some rattling to be heard. In our case, the real rattling wasn't in a convo or a fight, it was in the form of a couple thousand dollars sliding under the door of a C. I stand by my belief that your EAP insurance is worthless for C because the Cs suck and there's no outlay on your part. Your situation may be different...maybe it's the threat of a D (loss of security for your S), or a PA (jealousy), etc.

Let me also ask you a specific question about CeMar (I do not mean to pick on you CeMar, so don’t take this wrong). I see CeMar as an very interesting example. He has been on this board for years, and I cannot tell any difference in his postings now versus three years ago. There is some major blockage keeping him from moving forward. Maybe he is doing all he can and it is his wife. But I view him as a VERY extreme case. Progress in his sitch could reveal some valuable insights for all the rest of us. Any thoughts?

CeMar has burned neural pathways so deeply and permanently into his narrow mind, that he will never, ever, recover; not in this marriage, nor in any subsequent marriages. My advice about "nipping bad thoughts in the bud" is sage. I took Buddhist meditation courses which focused on burning good pathways into your brain. Even the things you write here are dangerous. I find it best to not write/read my own negative thoughts or perceptions about my R. They will become self-fullfilling.