Quote: I wonder if people think rattling the cage means in-your-face confrontation, which is scaring them off?
What I found to be the case is that anything you do/say that could actually be defined as "rattling the cage" is going to be experienced by your spouse as "in your face confrontation". For instance, I was very hesitant and hedging the first time I brought up the sex issue a la Schnarch with my H but just bringing up the subject caused my H to throw a complete "throw his clothes in a suitcase" fit.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
When I bring up the sex issue my bf (a Seven) says, "Oh so we're back to THAT again?" in a tiresome, I-was-wondering-when-you-were-going-to-bash-me-over-the-head-again-with-that-issue tone in his voice. At that moment, I hate his guts.
Quote: When I bring up the sex issue my bf (a Seven) says, "Oh so we're back to THAT again?" in a tiresome, I-was-wondering-when-you-were-going-to-bash-me-over-the-head-again-with-that-issue tone in his voice. At that moment, I hate his guts.
I still find it semi-impossible to imagine a LD Type 7 but if I accept that premise I would suspect that your BF would prefer that you "do" something cheerfully about the problem rather than talk about it negatively. For instance, I would die of happiness if instead of complaining to me about hating his job, my H would just wake up one morning with a full load of self-confidence and whistle while he worked on his resume. Though I must admit that this seems like a tough rule of thumb to apply to your situation. Perhaps if you imagined that you were a jolly prostitute with a heart of gold who specialized in men with ED and was very confident at her job?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The prostitute idea is a good one. What I'm struggling with now is trying to locate my sex drive. The longer we go without, the less I miss it.
And I agree, no matter what happens, my bf is cheerful and upbeat, and it is lovely. My late H (God bless him) was depressed, and that was hard. My bf can be broke, have bill collectors calling, the car breaks down, the dog poops in the house-- no matter what-- he will cheerfully go off to the store, buy stuff, and come home and cook it. In fact, under stress, the place he heads is the grocery store. (Back when he had the stress test that led to his quad bypass, I came by his house wanting to hear how it went, and he wasn't here. He was at the grocery store in the middle of the day-- it's his "happy place.") He never complains about the state of the house, but if I do some little thing around his house like the laundry or something, he thanks me profusely. Life with a Seven can be fun, especially if they don't drink (which is where he used to channel his excesses.) If his d!ck worked, he'd probably be HD.
Re Lil The prostitute idea is a good one. Lil even though Jenny has a terrific ability to write, I still empathise with your situation. I am not making lite of your circumstances or your history in my previous post above.
Your bf going to the store when trouble hits, and all of the things he does not seem to get upset about, I would have never guessed.
What I see lacking with you, which could very well be impacting any success you might hope to have... is that you are taking NO RISKS, neither on an emotional or physcial level. You are just venting. (Not a criticism)
I'll try to blend Schnarch back into this thread with some of the priciples that seem to be critical in my success..
* Be brave enough to initiate whenever you feel like it despite the probability that your spouse will say no. If this means every night, then do it every night.
* If your spouse says no, then be calm enough to say..."ok" and quietly go about your business without an annoying convo about it.
* If your spouse says no and tries to punish you for initiating, then have the self-respect to call him/her out for an inappropriate, unloving response...put a mirror up to them. Note: This is where major changes happened in our R.
* Never make it about them - always make it about you but [bold]don't apologize[/bold] for being you.
* Let your unfulfilled desires and feelings put them into the crucible...not those annoying convos.
* Live in the moment. Don't let the past prevent you from taking risks in the present - this preserves the current system and makes it harder to be brave. Don't fantasize about the future - if you have a success, enjoy it now and appreciate it but don't assume things are changing. You have no idea how your world will change or where you will be in 2 years...don't assume anything. Don't make negative predictions either...at any moment, your spouse (after saying no every night), might try to change and a negative prediction preserves the system.
If you measure success based upon your spouse becoming more HD, then I'm sorry to say that you might be whining here about your sitch until you are either dead or divorced.
The measurement of success should be finding a working situation that you are (basically) happy with. Most of our misery from this comes from our own failure to do the things listed above. Once you do these things, you will be surprised how bright the world looks and how you might not need as much sex as you thought. Your self confidence that comes from this will make you not really care if you are "desired".
In closing, here's something that helped me tremendously in terms of self-soothing. When your brain starts spinning...
1. Have a conversation with yourself where you say "this isn't going to do any good...shut up". Just nip it in the bud. Anxiety and thought breeds anxiety. This site doesn't help.
2. Breath 21 deep breaths in groups of 7 where all you do is focus on your breath...count with one hand (if you touch each finger with your thumb one direction and back, it equals 7 touches).
3. Meditate or pray depending on your orientation.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
WTG. 
