What I see lacking with you, which could very well be impacting any success you might hope to have... is that you are taking NO RISKS, neither on an emotional or physcial level. You are just venting. (Not a criticism)
I'll try to blend Schnarch back into this thread with some of the priciples that seem to be critical in my success..
* Be brave enough to initiate whenever you feel like it despite the probability that your spouse will say no. If this means every night, then do it every night.
* If your spouse says no, then be calm enough to say..."ok" and quietly go about your business without an annoying convo about it.
* If your spouse says no and tries to punish you for initiating, then have the self-respect to call him/her out for an inappropriate, unloving response...put a mirror up to them. Note: This is where major changes happened in our R.
* Never make it about them - always make it about you but [bold]don't apologize[/bold] for being you.
* Let your unfulfilled desires and feelings put them into the crucible...not those annoying convos.
* Live in the moment. Don't let the past prevent you from taking risks in the present - this preserves the current system and makes it harder to be brave. Don't fantasize about the future - if you have a success, enjoy it now and appreciate it but don't assume things are changing. You have no idea how your world will change or where you will be in 2 years...don't assume anything. Don't make negative predictions either...at any moment, your spouse (after saying no every night), might try to change and a negative prediction preserves the system.
If you measure success based upon your spouse becoming more HD, then I'm sorry to say that you might be whining here about your sitch until you are either dead or divorced.
The measurement of success should be finding a working situation that you are (basically) happy with. Most of our misery from this comes from our own failure to do the things listed above. Once you do these things, you will be surprised how bright the world looks and how you might not need as much sex as you thought. Your self confidence that comes from this will make you not really care if you are "desired".
In closing, here's something that helped me tremendously in terms of self-soothing. When your brain starts spinning...
1. Have a conversation with yourself where you say "this isn't going to do any good...shut up". Just nip it in the bud. Anxiety and thought breeds anxiety. This site doesn't help.
2. Breath 21 deep breaths in groups of 7 where all you do is focus on your breath...count with one hand (if you touch each finger with your thumb one direction and back, it equals 7 touches).
3. Meditate or pray depending on your orientation.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
