I think your statement that you are not taking any risks is important and is what I think is holding you back. I have not been able to understand the logic you are pursuing:
So was it Schnarch's concepts and techniques, or was it that you had to threaten to leave the marriage?
I've never doubted that the latter works, but am still looking for successes with the former, whether it's SSM, PM, or whatever. Particularly sitches where only ONE partner is working at it.
How is it possible for only one person to repair a marriage without input from the other? Say for argument that someone tried to do this, that will the spouse was away on a long trip, the other remade themselves as much as possible into a new person. Would this fix the R? Maybe, if by chance this person was very lucky.
This would mean they would have to have such great insight into exactly what is was about their former self that needed to be changed in accordance with their spouse’s wishes. So they would have to psychic.
They would also need the knowledge on how to make those changes and be able to provide their own feedback to be sure they were on the right course and not straying into an undesirable behavior.
They would need to reign in their own ego and pride and suppress any resentment that only they are making changes only for the approval of their spouse. (That would be a mighty tall order for many of us).
Lastly, this begs the question that if this person had all this ability and knowledge to make such a transformation, what didn’t they do it long ago?
But I’m not sure any of this is what you refer to. Are you saying that you would like to find a way to improve the marriage by improving your wife, rather than you, but without her working on it? I know you can’t mean this. So all that is left is for you to work on your self.
The purpose is not to transform into a new being, but to come to terms with what you truly want. Resolve inconsistencies and hypocrisies. Confront as many two choice dilemmas that you are able to as an individual, without input from your partner. Then face those dilemmas that need partner choice, but first become ready to accept either choice they may make. Presenting this dilemma to them is how you “force” you partner to grow and work on the relationship with you. As long as they stay in the marriage, you can “force” this growth. That growth only stops when they opt out of the relationship.
If you are smart, the order and magnitude of the dilemmas you present to your partner will be VERY CAREFULLY considered and evaluated first. As Corri noted, the risks are high so mistakes must be avoided. To take on this task, we must prepare ourselves, which is what I see as the number reason for this forum.
