I'm talking out loud here... not firmly convinced of what I'm saying here... but.
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So was it Schnarch's concepts and techniques, or was it that you had to threaten to leave the marriage?
I've never doubted that the latter works, but am still looking for successes with the former, whether it's SSM, PM, or whatever. Particularly sitches where only ONE partner is working at it.
I think before anyone starts a 'rehab' effort, whether that is on a personal level or a R level, before you begin, you must decide how far you are willing to go, how much you are willing to sacrifice to reach the goal, and identify, precisely, how you 'know' when you've reached the goal.
What I see lacking with you, but correct me if I am wrong, is the that your W has NO IDEA the EXTENT of your unhappiness. I am willing to bet you have no idea how unhappy SHE is.
When a person gets to the point that they are ready to walk away from a marriage, there is a 'no holds' barred approach to presenting the 'problem.' You become flat-out honest. Anger is gone. Your resentment is set aside. Any 'guilt' you may have felt for even considering leaving the R is set aside in favor of self-preservation. In the place of "I'm willing to leave," ALL illusion is lost, and 'reality' steps in. You may not WANT the D, you may have some 'glimmer' of hope the other S will come around... but, you look at the scene now with different eyes.
This is NOT a bad place to be, but most people fear it because it IS stepping to the edge of the abyss....
What I see lacking with you, which could very well be impacting any success you might hope to have... is that you are taking NO RISKS, neither on an emotional or physcial level. You are just venting. (Not a criticism)
Venting doesn't get you anywhere. Venting to you W doeesn't get you anywhere. She needs a no holds barred... "I'm ready to get out. Just so you know... when the kids leave the nest, so do I." Period.
